Don’t let anger sabotage your marriage

Anger is an emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. It is built into our system and has a purpose for our lives. Thomas Fuller called it ‘the sinew of our souls’ as long as it speaks out constructively and does not sabotage our marriage.

Charles Darwin believed that human behavior contains residues of responses found in animals or primitive man, necessary for their survival. Humans having become involved in higher beings, these residual responses are hidden in the subconscious and are activated only when provoked. However, not all scientists agree with Darwin. The theory of perceptual motivation is more balanced and acceptable. It suggests that when an individual evaluates a provocative stimulus as pleasant or unpleasant, he emits at his discretion.

Anger is a distinctive feeling of disgust for a real or imagined evil. It causes adrenaline to flow, blood pressure to rise, face flushed, and breathing difficult. It is an extremely powerful emotion with the potential to destroy marital happiness and interpersonal relationships.

Different ways to express anger:

• Open hostility towards the spouse. Men who beat their wives are said to be angry, resentful, distrustful, and in a bad mood. Although they can behave well in public, the home is the stage where they show their darker side.

But anger is not an exclusively male trait. Women can be angry too. Although they may not be physically strong enough to hit their husbands, they can be abusive and insulting. Verbal abuse is very high in urban situations. Its effects last much longer than physical abuse. Many families have a “temper” problem.

Abraham Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was believed to have an angry temper. Not only was she abusive, she physically abused her husband with firewood or threw potatoes at him. On one occasion, she even chased him across the Springwell yard with a kitchen knife. Even after she became First Lady and moved into the White House, the staff were terrified of her sharp tongue.

Anger can even take on a subtle form of suffocating love, in which the husband pampers his wife and does things for her, while totally isolating her and stifling her competition and creativity.

• Crying or lamenting when angry is sometimes a woman’s way of expressing her anger.

• Remain silent, quell anger, and let it build up inside like a burning volcano waiting to erupt. This will manifest itself in altered physiological functioning and, consequently, in poor health. A study conducted by an independent research firm in Wisconsin looked at marital discord and its effect on heart disease and overall mortality. They found that those who continued to suppress their anger activated stress hormones that negatively affected health. Heart attacks, irritable bowel syndrome, hypertension can occur. Gastric ulcer symptoms surface in those who continually suppress anger. One surgeon said that 97% of his ulcer patients were angry people.

Prolonged emotional stress can also lead to changes in behavior. Adolf Meyer describes the role of emotional factors in physical and mental health as psycho-parallelism.

• Harmful attitudes such as withdrawal, poor job application, inability to get along with colleagues, and also difficulty keeping a job.

Results of uncontrolled anger.

1. Marital conflict: anger threatens the unity and stability of families. In some families, fighting is a habit. Both spouses can have short fuses. Children begin to imitate their parents.

2. Strained relationships: Anger patterns can become destructive and unpleasant.

3. Child abuse: Angry parents can brutally attack their children. The incidence of child abuse by parents is increasing and is not limited to the lowest socioeconomic groups. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere become angry adults. They react in three ways: passive resistance through silence and non-cooperation, retaliation or outright rebellion.

What Causes Anger?
• Frustration: feeling of being misunderstood or taken for granted; Needs are not being met. Sometimes the anger can be out of proportion to the actual provocation.
• Fear of violence, illness, job loss, or loss of a loved one.
• Hurt by the indifference of the one you love. It can be emotional, physical, or relational.
• Burnout: Overloaded with work, stress, lack of appreciation and injustice.

Anger management at home.

1. Understand anger: it is an inherent component of all relationships. Oliver and Wright in their book “Pressure Point” say that “disagreements in relationships are inevitable and a fundamental part of achieving intimacy.” Therefore, you need to find healthy ways to express anger. Spouses must understand and appreciate their differences. Such an attitude will lead to intimacy.

2. Fight constructively: couples must learn to vent anger without destroying each other’s self-esteem. Those who learn to fight constructively will ensure the longevity of their marriage. However, frequent disagreements are destined to weaken the bonds of love.

3. Honesty: Accept that you are angry. Analyze the reasons for your anger. What triggered it?

4. Avoid arguing in the heat of the moment. Tidy things up when you’re in the best mood. Ask yourself if you are to blame too. Denying your participation in the disagreement makes it difficult to resolve the problem. Healthy arguments testify to a strong marriage. But the blame game is dangerous. Disagree without hurting each other.

5. Control your tongue. Breathe deeply and psychic to relax. “A fool gives vent to his anger, but a wise man controls himself” (Proverbs 29:11). Sometimes moving away from the scene gives a better perspective on the problem. Yoga and meditation have helped people control their temper.

6. Listen to each other. It is very important to understand the other’s point of view. “Couples who vent their anger and do nothing to get to the cause are committing spousal suicide,” says Broderick.

7. Sublimating one’s anger through physical exercise, creative activity, or some other form of recreation helps to dissipate anger. These activities take the sting out of this explosive emotion and help one discuss matters in a calmer frame of mind. Then negotiation and problem solving is possible.

8. Decide never to go to sleep with anger in your heart. Make up with your spouse before you go to sleep. As the Bible says: “In your anger, do not sin; do not let the sun go down when you are angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:26, 27.)

9. Forgiveness will lead to the restoration of broken relationships. Holding grudges places a heavy burden on the heart. The pain becomes magnified and unbearable. By forgiving, we stop hurting ourselves and the other person. Abraham Lincoln was able to live with his abusive wife thanks to a spirit of forgiveness. He made him patient and tolerant.

Forgiveness should also mean letting go of the offense and making a promise never to use it as a weapon in each subsequent fight. Forgiveness is difficult. It can only be done by the grace of God. “Forgive as the Lord forgives you.” The feeling of peace that follows is indescribable.