I Hate My Husband For Cheating On Me: Tips And Tricks That Can Help
Yesterday I received an email from a woman who was overwhelmed by negative emotions. Her husband had cheated on her and understandably, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. She wrote: “I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because he cheats on me. I can’t even stand being in the same room with him. I feel like I might explode and I can’t imagine feeling any better.” . What I am going to do? He wants to make it up to me, but seeing him makes me sick.
I completely understand feeling this way. This could have described me a few years ago. Although these feelings are completely understandable, I also know that they are very destructive. Even though this hate is directed at her husband, she will almost always come back and hurt/punish you in the same way. You absolutely have a right to these feelings, but what will really make you feel better is not lashing out, but healing. These negative feelings do nothing to get you there. So, in the next article, I will tell you what I told him, hoping it will help you get over the hate.
What you probably hate are the feelings of pain, betrayal and fear: It took me a long time to realize this, but what I really hated was the way adventure made me feel. It brought out insecurities and fears that brought me to my knees. Suddenly, I felt unattractive, stupid and naive. Yes, I was mad at my husband, but she was mad at myself too. How could I have ignored the warning signs? Why didn’t I take steps to prevent this? How was I so stupid to think I could keep a man?
My friends told me that these thoughts were completely ridiculous and even though I knew this to be true intellectually, I just couldn’t stop feeling this way. Of course, my husband was a helpful person on whom I could place all the blame. So I took and projected onto him all the fear, doubt, and betrayal that plagued me. Don’t get me wrong, he deserved my wrath. But he was sorry and was doing his best to make things right. However, everything he did was wrong in my eyes. I refused to even allow the possibility of his redemption. What I didn’t realize, though, was that this was hurting me just as much as he was hurting him. Holding on to negativity will only slow the healing process, whether he wants to save his marriage or not.
Realizing that there is a difference between hating what he did and hating him personally:Sometimes it helps to sit down (when you’re calm enough to do so) and make a list of the positive memories, attributes, and characteristics that have defined your marriage. How it has been there when you or a family member was sick. How you have provided for your family. How he has put you before him sometimes.
It’s very common to do this exercise and find that the positive column is full, while the negative column has far fewer entries, and of course the trap is in position one. Still, if you can review his life with this man, you’ll often find that he had quite a few redeeming qualities before he made a very terrible decision. In my case, my anger had made me forget how my husband never left our sick son’s side when he was in the hospital or how he worked two jobs to support me when I was still in school. I couldn’t in good faith deny these two things because of a denial and intellectually I knew it, but putting this into practice in real life was another story.
But, I began to see that I couldn’t literally hate my husband the man. However, I had no problem passionately hating that he cheated on me. Fortunately, I was finally able to see the difference between the two.
Loving yourself more than you hate him: In the end, I believe that true healing comes down to self-preservation. One day I woke up and realized that I was drowning and did not say hello. I realize that holding on so tightly to this anger and suffocating feelings was only taking away any joy and peace that I deeply deserved but was not experiencing. This was going to be true whether she decided to stay married or not.
Even if I chose to kick my husband to the curb, I was going to have to deal with these feelings and eventually let them go if I wanted to truly heal. It really is about wanting the best for yourself rather than holding on to hurt and resentment. At some point, you have to move on. This will take time and everyone has their own time frame for this.
For me, I was able to make a conscious decision that I wanted to separate my feelings about my husband’s act from my feelings about him. This was a challenge and it didn’t happen overnight. But, once I came to this conclusion, I was able to open myself more to my husband’s attempts to make amends and reconcile me. This was also a long process, but separating the act from the person was the first step.