Intimacy: Can developmental trauma make it hard for someone to show up in a relationship?

What someone may find, if they did end up in a relationship, is that it is much more difficult than they expected. Then there will be what they thought it would be like and what their experience is really like.

Now, this is not to say that they haven’t been in a relationship before, although this could be the case. But, since your last relationship, you might think that you have changed a lot.

The main challenge

When it comes to their current relationship, they may find it difficult to be themselves. Therefore, the person they are now will be a shadow of the person they were before.

They can be so different that it is as if they end up becoming another person. If this change were related to their appearance and they looked in the mirror, they might not even recognize themselves.

a closer look

If asked to explain what is happening, they may say that they lose touch with their feelings and needs and cannot think clearly. Along with this, they could say that they need to get as far away from their partner as possible.

Because of this, if they’re in your company, it’s not going to be possible for them to operate as a full human being. They will live on the surface of themselves around you and your partner is likely to realize that something is not right, if they are not fully aware of what is going on.

A very different experience

Naturally, being like this with your partner will make it more or less impossible for them to enjoy your company. It’s not going to matter how much you enjoyed being around them before and appreciating them.

Previously, your time with them may have been pleasant, and they may have looked forward to being in your company. If what you are experiencing is a small difference, it could be attributed to the fact that you are now at a different stage in your relationship.

A threat

Based on what happens to them, it could be said that it is as if their partner is a threat to their very survival rather than someone who is their life partner. That is why they get lost in their company and have the need to get away from them.

If they were able to calm down and reflect on their partner’s behavior, what they may find is that they are not doing anything that is particularly negative. Therefore, the way they themselves are behaving can be seen as totally irrational.

a strange scenario

If they were in a relationship with a dragon or a monster, it could be said that their behavior would be normal. This being would be much more powerful than them, so it is to be expected that they cannot settle around it and have the need to move away.

In other words, there would be a huge power imbalance between them. The truth, however, is that they are not with someone who has this level of power; they are with a neighbor.

What’s going on?

At this point you could say they just need to keep this in mind and by doing so; little by little they will be able to return to the way they were before. Then again, because of what’s happening to them, changing what’s going on at the top is unlikely to have much of an impact on them.

What needs to be investigated is why they behave this way. Clearly, they’re not in a good way or else they wouldn’t have to behave in a way that is greatly undermining their relationship.

back in time

If they were to go back in time, to their childhood years, they would soon find out why they behave this way. This may have been a time in their life where they were physically harmed by at least one of their caretakers.

Alternatively, they may have been traumatized as babies and/or young children. During this time they may have often been neglected and when attention was given to them it may not have been proper care.

an overwhelming time

Since they were in an underdeveloped state and could not handle the pain that staying or receiving maladjusted care would have caused them, their only option was to disconnect from themselves. His underdeveloped brain and nervous system simply weren’t equipped to experience such stimulation.

Leaving his body wouldn’t have stopped what was happening or prevented them from being overstimulated, but it would have prevented them from being aware of what was happening and thus ensured their survival. These experiences would have caused them to form a series of negative associations, such as that human contact is a threat to their survival and keeping their distance from others is the only way to survive.

an expected result

If one or both of these things happened, the way they behave as adults will make a lot of sense. His mind, having blocked out what happened to ensure his survival, would have been confused before, but now he could fully comprehend.

This shows how a part of them will scrutinize their history when it comes to knowing how they should behave at all times. What they have experienced in the past will provide a point of reference.

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the footprint

That is why it has been said that someone’s past is always more powerful than their present. Still, this is not to say that they will consciously scan their past to decide how they will behave, as this will occur unconsciously.

In order for you to truly be present with your partner, you will need to change what is happening on a deeper level. This will relate to your nervous system and what takes place in your body.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and is ready to change their life, they may need to seek outside support. This is something that can be provided with the help of a therapist or healer.