Politically Correct Christmas Carols and Songs
Christmas Carols and Holiday Songs tend to exclude, marginalize and insult. From now on these songs will be rewritten with new titles to avoid any real, imagined or perceived offense.
The word Christmas is exclusive to Christians and must be eliminated. Since it can’t be replaced with the word “holiday” (Holy Day), we’ll replace it with the innocuous phrase, “day off.”
“We wish you a Merry Christmas”
“We wish you a happy specific non-religious day off in winter.”
Christmas is another word for Christmas.
“The first Christmas”
“The first specific non-religious day off in winter”
Don’t you dare exclude the victims of capitalism at this time of year.
“I’ll be home for Christmas”
“I will be home or at a homeless shelter during the specific non-religious day off in winter”
And let’s not let any covert references to the race cloud your celebration (if you do something to celebrate).
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas”
“I’m dreaming of an immaterial, non-religious, race-specific day off in winter”
The physically disabled should not be excluded.
“I heard the bells on Christmas day”
“I felt the bells on the specific non-religious day off in winter”
If physical disabilities are referenced in other songs, then they must also be interpreted in sign language and available in Braille.
“You Hear What I Hear”
“Do you feel what I feel?”
Angels are spiritual beings, not everyone believes in spiritual life.
“Angels We Have Heard on High”
“Guiding Influences We Have Felt Above”
Since the mute cannot sing, we will substitute the term communicate.
“Listen! The Herald Angels Sing”
“Sense! The Herald’s Guiding Influences Communicate”
The word “holy” has religious connotations. We do not want to offend the laity.
“Silent Night Holy Night”
“Silent Night, Devout Night”
Y
“Oh Holy Night”
“O Devout Night”
The secular might also lack faith.
“O come all you faithful”
“Oh, come all of you from extreme loyalty to non-material evidence”
A person should not feel excluded because of where they live…
“Go Say It on the Mountain”
“Go tell it in the preferred geographical location”
…or its weather.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow”
“Let him do a favorite weather pattern, let him do a favorite weather pattern, let him do a favorite weather pattern”
Christians are cunning. They often subtly hijack common terms in an attempt to appropriate the language. The word “manger” has been hijacked to refer exclusively to the nativity of Jesus Christ and must be replaced.
“away in a eat”
“Far away in a watering hole containing cattle feed”
The traditional birthplace of Jesus Christ is in Bethlehem, Israel. Since Bethlehem is within the Zionist-occupied and disputed West Bank, we have to apply a provisional name to this song.
“Oh little town of Bethlehem”
“O picturesque city of the Palestinian joint government”
That was a good step towards using physical descriptions. The word “small” should never be used. it is demeaning. Especially when used to describe a person. References to a person’s gender will also be prohibited, especially when they contribute to reinforcing stereotypes.
“Little Drummer”
“Drummer Boy With Indeterminate Gender Vertical Challenge”
Other genre specific songs need to be redone.
“Frosty the Snowman”
“Frosty the Hermaphroditic Snow Creature”
Y
“Oh come, let us worship him”
“O Come Let Us Adore Him”
This also applies to stereotypical roles in parenthood and heterosexualism.
“I saw mom kissing Santa Claus”
“I saw my gynocentric guardian kissing a non-gender specific person who is known to wear a red suit”
We cannot stereotype overweight people as happy, nor make references to a person’s age. Even if they are saints (another subtle religious term)
“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas”
“Happy, plus size, chronologically gifted, highly virtuous
Nicholas”
We kept the term Nicholas to preserve some tradition. We are not implying that Nicholas has to be a masculine name and that men are the only ones who are capable of amassing enough fortune and possessing the generosity to be able to give gifts to masses of people. Nor are we implying that women lack the physical strength and stamina to perform such a task. To balance this misperception, we will apply modern affirmative action to level the male ego and help level the playing field.
“We are the Three Kings of the East”
“We, the three misogynistic autocrats of East Asia are”
This especially applies to Westerners…
“Good King Wenceslas”
“Evil European White Male Misogynist Autocrat Wenceslas”
…doubly so, especially if they are Christians
“Rejoice good Christian men”
“Narrow Minded Evil Homophobic Racist Misogynists Get Drunk and Abuse”
We do not take tradition lightly. In fact, we found a traditional song that we will keep in its entirety. We think this song accurately portrays the typical man.
“Mr Grinch”
Sample lyric: “Your soul is a hideous dump overflowing with the most embarrassing variety of rubbish imaginable tangled up in tangled knots!”
Thanksgiving or fall day off songs will also need to be deconstructed.
“Over the River and Through the Forest”
“Over the River and Through the Forest”
Subtitled: “Only after an environmental impact study is done on the effects of a horse-drawn sled in the forest. And assuming the gentle vegetarian beast of a horse isn’t forced to pull an overloaded sled and does voluntarily. .”
We realize that this one may lose some of the warmth of its original meaning. This could be avoided if Grandma (or grandparents) just went back to the city and helped stop urban sprawl.
And last but not least, we must help swing the cultural pendulum away from the religious holiday and back to the state-granted secular day off. We can do this through songs that highlight the true Marxist origins of political correctness.
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
“Rudolph the Red knows that state seizure and redistribution of private wealth is fairer than private charity and ensures the survival and growing power of the state”