5 Sure Signs of “Second Wife Syndrome”
You put your Prince Charming… you thought so. He was perfect and you loved the way he was devoted to his son and how diligent he was in taking care of his responsibilities. He was loving and flexible with his ex-wife, and you were convinced that life would be perfect. So, you got married. His bubble soon burst, and the ex-wife and child seemed paramount in everyday life. However, you and your children seemed to be an after. Ahh… stepfamily life. No one fully understands the implications of such a family until you are placed in one.
I’ll be honest, I never thought my stepfamily life would be as difficult as it has been, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I have been through some of the most miserable times of my life, all for God to pick me up and place me on a firm and lasting foundation. My stepfamily life was part of God’s plan, and I know He has a plan for you!
For those of you struggling with “second wife syndrome,” take heart. Grab a cup of coffee and let me tell you a bit about my story, give you some signs that you’re in trouble, and hopefully give you a place of hope. I stand firm on God’s word to tell you that no matter what the situation in your marriage, there is hope and restoration available for every marriage and every stepfamily.
First of all, have you ever considered the family dynamic that Jesus was placed into? Since he was born of the Father, his earthly father, Joseph, was actually his stepfather. So, growing up with siblings who most likely saw Jesus as the “favorite” son…can you imagine the amount of sibling rivalry in that house? We tend to feel inadequate because of our “foster family” status, when in fact Jesus, the Savior of the world, was part of one. Rest assured that God can take the greatest and most desperate situations and turn them into a masterpiece.
Here are five signs that you’ve given “second wife syndrome” a place in your home:
1. You feel second. While this may sound confusing to some, those who find themselves in this situation understand exactly what it means to be “second.” It’s the ex-wife and son always first, the continual sacrifices and ongoing feelings of injustice felt by the new wife and son. I married a wonderful and godly man, and while everything in our relationship was healthy and happy, this area of feeling “second” made me extremely miserable in my marriage. Stepfamily life is very different and significantly more complex than traditional families, and many second wives feel that way… “second.”
2. You are easily offended: You may have been a confident and happy woman, but since you married a man with an ex-wife and a child, you feel inadequate, insecure and everything offends you, especially the things that they revolve around the boy and the girl. / or ex-wife. I remember crying many nights while doing the dishes, all for little moments that offended me.
3. You compare yourself to your ex-wife: I can’t tell you how much it can negatively affect your marriage, your self-esteem, and your ability to succeed in your adoptive family. This dominated my life for the first year and a half of my new marriage. I had thoughts like: “she was the first choice, skinnier, she has a child with him, she has her money and she has her memories”…the list could go on and on. I struggled with this severely in my marriage, and finally conquered it head-on and won.
4. You feel the need to “Win”. You want to have control…over your home, your finances, your husband, her decisions, and your ex-wife. There are too many to list here! It is very easy for second wives to get into the habit of wanting control. In stepfamily life, there are too many variables and you can’t control the outcome of other people’s decisions. As a second wife, I had to learn this, and it took me a while! I was miserable because I wanted the ex-wife to make the right decision, I wanted the kid to do the right thing, I wanted my husband to tell them to do the right thing, and I wanted everyone to see my point of view. I realized that my unhappiness had nothing to do with my stepfamily members, it was 100% to do with me and my need for control. It was unjustified, unhealthy and it was making my adoptive family suffer.
5. You’ve thought “I want to go out”: I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep thinking I wanted to go out. I wanted my life stable, happy and predictable. I felt wronged, felt lied to, and felt cheated on this stepfamily thing! I was a mess, and I was making a mess of my marriage and my stepfamily. If you have thought this, cheer up! I am here to testify that through Jesus, my marriage, my stepfamily, EVERYTHING in my life was transformed.
I suffered severely from all of the above signs and truly believed that my marriage was hopeless. My marriage was once on the verge of divorce; now it is full of passion, love and hope.
If you find yourself dealing with these signs, prayerfully consider counseling, therapy, or seeing a marriage counselor. Proverbs 14:1 tells us that “every wise woman builds her house, but she who is foolish with her own hands tears it down.”
Starting a stepmother and/or second wife is often the most complicated and difficult role to play in a stepfamily, but it is also the role that has the most potential for change and success for the stepfamily!