Divorce Recovery Mindset Option No. 2: Divorce Recovery: A Problem to Solve or a Person to Punish?
You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you back.
We all get hurt during divorce. Therefore, it is quite normal that you want to lash out at your ex for all the pain you have suffered. This can be done in a myriad of ways.
You can attack your ex verbally. You can tell your kids how horrible your ex is. You can complain to your friends about what your ex did to you and how they mistreated you. You can uninvite your ex from his children’s birthdays and Christmas celebrations. You can ignore or dismiss your ex when you meet in public. You can tell your friends what despicable person your ex is dating. You can tell your friends about the infidelities that your ex perpetrated. You can reveal addictive behaviors your ex may have engaged in, as well as other secrets. You can fail to forward your ex’s mail. You can forget to tell your ex that your son was injured in a car accident, leaving him partially impaired for over a year.
The options are limitless.
Pros and cons of the retaliation mentality: I want revenge!
There are reasons for and against adopting a revenge mentality.
The advantage of revenge. It feels good to inflict pain on the person who caused you so much pain. You can make sure that you are right because your ex deserves it. Choosing to punish her ex provides a simple answer to the question of how she should react to her divorce. You don’t have to worry about such annoying issues as what your contributions were to the death of your relationship. You get to ignore such difficult issues as how to avoid your next relationship ending up in divorce court again. You don’t have to take responsibility for the quality of your life in the future if your ex is the cause of your constant misery. But most of all, she feels good!
The downside of revenge. Being on the lookout for ways to get back at your ex causes you to live life through a negative filter. Over time, looking for ways to hurt another person is depressing and damages your self-concept and confidence. You lose the right to live a happy and optimistic life, always being on the offensive and obsessed with maintaining a thick defensive skin. You run the risk of not having a healthy and positive intimate relationship, as any long-term partner would have to accept you as someone who values anger and retribution. This only attracts others who treat life with cynicism and negativity. This makes it extremely difficult to raise children who have a positive and optimistic outlook on life. It makes your children resent you for the way you treat their other parent.
Also, if your ex has healed to the point that he no longer cares about you or what you think, you have no power over him. Then all your efforts to punish your ex are totally useless, which will be extremely frustrating for you. You’re fighting windmills and everyone is watching how irrational and petty you are.
Pros and Cons of a Problem Solving Mindset: I want to remove obstacles to my happiness!
Similarly, there are reasons for and against taking a problem-solving approach to divorce recovery.
The downside of problem solving. If you give up the option of punishing your ex, some past hurts will not be acknowledged or punished. Some friends may see you as weak and ineffective for not attacking your ex for legitimate offenses. You won’t get a chance to wallow in the pain you administered to your ex. You will not be able to harbor the fantasy that you are omnipotent. Your ego will not be stroked by exercising the power to inflict pain on another human being.
The problem solving advantage. You can focus on living in the present and look to the future with hope and optimism. Your vital energy is used to build and create, not to tear down and destroy. Your children will appreciate your ability to overlook your ex’s obvious shortcomings and will appreciate your strength in making life better for you and your children. Your friends will admire you for making the decision to live life from a positive point of view. You open the possibility of finding a healthy and lasting relationship with a good chance that it will not fail.
So what is the point?
The divorce leaves both sides traumatized and many excuses to retaliate. How we choose to react to our divorce will determine our likelihood of living a happy and fulfilled life after divorce. Viewing divorce and divorce recovery as permission to ground your ex has some short-term, ego-satisfying results. Treating it as an opportunity to resolve the issues that prevent you from living a life of satisfaction and optimism after divorce gives you a life of positive satisfaction.
You are faced with the conflicting choices of recognizing the long-term value of logical problem solving versus succumbing to the short-term temptation to retaliate for all the pain you suffered.
My hope is that as you reflect on your choice, you will heed the wisdom of Confucius when he reminds us: “Before you go on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”