Establish limits and conflict resolution

What does setting boundaries have to do with conflict resolution? It turns out more than you think. How do you normally respond to conflict? If you’re prone to rebellion or compliance, you probably haven’t had much practice setting limits. Clearly, boundary setting is rarely part of a child’s education. Rather, children are conditioned not to set limits as a way to avoid negative reactions from others. The ability to set limits, to take care of yourself, begins with the belief that your “self” is worth taking care of.

If you’ve learned that taking care of yourself results in conflict, rejection, or abandonment, chances are you will avoid when you need to set a boundary, rather than take the risk. Plus, you’ve likely been in short supply of good role models. Most adults tend to fall into one of two categories: bulldozers or doormats.

The battle cry of the excavators is “my way or the highway”. They believe they have a right to have their needs met and taken care of at the expense of everyone else. Doormats are “nice” guys. They are very accommodating and do it at the expense of their own needs. Neither of these patterns is really about setting limits. Boundary setting always takes your needs into account and is based on honest and direct communication (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).

Things to know about setting limits

– Good and decent people set limits. Setting limits makes you confident. People know where they stand with you. Limits are the way we take care of ourselves. We have the right and the duty to protect and defend ourselves.

– Generous people set limits. If you don’t set limits, you’re giving yourself away. With limits, you only give what you want, which means you can allow yourself to be generous to more people over a longer period of time.

– Limits allow others to grow. Because it makes others aware of their behavior, allowing them to change.

– Limits allow you to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t. Limits not only protect you from unwanted behavior, but they also encourage the behavior you want.

– Effective people set limits. Because doing so keeps you in control of your time and efforts, which makes you feel better about yourself. This leads you to be more effective.

– Stick to your guns. For boundary setting to work for you, you must develop a commitment to stand up for what is right and true for you. You must act consistently in defending your limits.

– Practice makes perfect. If this is not a familiar behavior, it will feel awkward and unnatural at first, but anything worth doing is worth doing wrong at first. People may not like it at first, that’s natural, they are used to getting away with you. Keep going. With practice you will become more skilled and elegant.

Examples of personal limits

Other people may not

– Criticize me.

– Humiliate me.

– Invade my personal space or belongings.

– Lie to Me.

– Make derogatory comments about my appearance.

– Take advantage of me.

– Get rid of your anger or frustrations with me.

If we don’t respect ourselves, how can we expect others to respect us?

Benefits of setting limits

– Contribution to the welfare of others.

– Freedom from misconduct, fear or pain.

– Increased self-esteem and self-respect.

– More respect from others.

– Requirement of direct and honest communication.

Limit setting examples

– Anger – “You can’t keep yelling at me. If you do, I’ll leave the room and end this meeting.”

– Buy time – “I have a policy of not making instant decisions. I need time to think and reflect on what I want to do. If you need an immediate response, it will be No.”

– Criticism – “It is not right for me that you want comments on my weight. Please stop. If you do not, I will not be able to continue this conversation.”

– Additional commitments – “Although this is an important issue for me, I must decline your request for assistance at this time. Otherwise, I must meet the needs of my family.”

– Money – “I will not lend you more money. I care about you and you must start taking responsibility for yourself.”

Guidelines for setting a limit

– Configuration of backup limits with action.

– Be direct, firm and kind.

– Do not debate, defend or explain too much.

– Have support readily available on the sidelines right from the start.

– Stay strong, don’t give up.

REMEMBER, it is not enough to set limits, you need to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. What is the role for

CONSEQUENCES

– Advance clearly and not emotionally.

– Actions that you are willing to take.

– It can allow a gradual change.

– It can be negotiable instead of rigid lines in the sand.

Setting personal limits and boundaries can be very important in the way you lead your life and the quality of the relationships you have.