I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage. How do I decide?

Sometimes I hear from people who are not sure what direction they want to take with their marriage. Often, on the one hand, they realize that things have gone wrong. They often wonder if things are so bad that nothing they say or do is going to make a difference. And a small part of them wonders if they will be happy staying married or if things would be better if they just let go. This is a difficult decision as you don’t know what to expect when you venture out on your own. Will you be lonely and less happy alone? Or will it be a relief to let him go?

I recently heard from a wife who said, “Over the past six months, I have been drifting further and further away from my husband. Our marriage had been struggling for some time. I did not intend or consciously decide that we should start living separate lives. It just happened. I started hanging out with my friends more. I got active on Facebook. I started staying up late after work and socializing. And I’m finding that there’s a part of me that’s embracing my new life. The other day though , my husband saw that someone had tagged a picture of me with my friends on Facebook. My husband saw it and it really hurt him. He sat me down and asked if I wanted out of our marriage. I didn’t know how to respond. My husband is very direct about of wanting to save our marriage. But I’m not sure if I feel the same way. I can’t help but notice how much I’m enjoying the bit of freedom that I’ve begun to demand, but at the same time, every time I feel I think about ending my marriage, I start to flood us with memories of when we were happy. I miss those times. I still have loving feelings towards my husband sometimes. But when I think about saving my marriage, I think about the end of my new life and it tears me apart. So how do I know what I really feel? How do I know for sure if I want to save my marriage?”

In fact, I hear from many people who have mixed feelings about saving their marriages. Sometimes these conflicting feelings are due, at least in part, to their conceptions of the process of saving their marriage (and these conceptions often turn out to be false). Sometimes these people are just not sure if they will be happier in life. marriage or more content alone. While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can give you some things to think about, which I’ll do next.

The fact that you have some conflicting thoughts about saving your marriage may be important: I have to tell you that people who have ended their marriage in a purposeful and healthy way usually do not have this kind of indecision. For many people, it is completely obvious and clear that their marriage is over and that although they did their best to save it, they have now reached the end of the game. They are usually pretty cool about this decision because they know they saw it through until there were no more ways to go.

Because there isn’t as much confusion, there often isn’t much anger, jealousy, or sadness either. It is a fairly simple process when you are sure that your marriage has come to a natural end.

But, if you haven’t gotten to this point yet, you might want to ask yourself why. Do you still have feelings of love for your spouse that you just can’t turn off? Are you worried that he still hasn’t tried everything he could to save you, including counseling, or being honest with himself, or saying the things he wants to say without fear of rejection? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, exploring these topics may give you peace of mind.

My rule of thumb is always that if you’re not sure your marriage is over, it probably isn’t. Because if you were in the final phase of your marriage, you probably would know. But questions usually mean that there are some issues that haven’t been closed yet. And sometimes addressing those very issues could transform or save your marriage.

Examine the ideas you have about saving your marriage and ask yourself if they might be wrong: Many people who are not sure that they want to save their marriage have some of the doubts they experience because they are reluctant to go through the process of reconciliation or saving the marriage.

If you ask these people to describe what it would take to save their marriage, they will often tell you that they are afraid of having to submit to painful counseling, embarrassing conversations, or concessions so unfair that they strip away their individuality and ideals. None of these things have to be true. The wife in this situation was so afraid that saving her marriage would mean that she had to give up her newfound happiness and social life. She certainly didn’t. She could still see her friends on her own if she wanted, as long as she made time for her husband too. And she was always the option to include it. Frankly, having your own life, your own friends, and your own hobbies can actually improve your marriage because you come into it a happier, more complete person.

If this perception prevents you from trying to save your marriage, ask yourself if it would be worth seeing the process for yourself instead of assuming the worst case scenario. You may be pleasantly surprised. Many people actually tell me that they are glad they took a chance and didn’t give up on their marriage. Because they really find out that saving him ended up being the right choice for them because they are happier than they suspected and the process turned out not to be as difficult as they feared.