Is it wrong to vent my frustration on my son?
The bottom line is, not at all, as long as it is done in a way that does not attack the child or harm his relationship with him. You want to avoid saying and doing the things that you will regret later. The best approach is to express your feelings to your child and then walk away and remain silent until he calms down. The hard part is disciplining yourself to stay quiet and not speak. As a means of practicing this discipline, I recommend an exercise that can be done at home that will help you practice self-control and teach your children how to start controlling themselves as well. It is impossible to do this exercise while at the grocery store, in the park, or at a friend’s house, and it is simply a means of learning how to handle your frustration in a product way.
A place to let off steam
The first step is to have a place in the house to go to calm down when angry. I suggest that the adult identify a room in the house that will be used as the “self-silence” place to go to cool off. It should have one door and one that can be locked for privacy. Having things in the room to help you calm down is also a good idea, such as relaxing music or guided meditation CDs.
Creating the grieving purpose of the room
Children learn about their world most effectively when things are framed and labeled. Therefore, the dual purpose of this room must be configured, identified and labeled. Create a simple sign above the entrance to this designated room. It should be one that can be easily changed or flipped to change the identity of the room when necessary. A piece of paper or cardstock with the standard room name written on one side (such as bedroom or office) and the name of the new purpose (self-silence or mom’s quiet room) on the other would work just fine. If your kids can’t read yet, use pictures.
Revealing the new place
The next step is to share your new behavior and room with your children. At a time when both you and the children are in a good mood, give them a call, get at their eye level, and admit that “Sometimes Mommy gets really upset about things. We all feel that way sometimes and that’s okay. “You can even help them go back to a time when they were angry by asking,” Can anyone remember when you got angry at someone? ” Then you might say, “Getting mad is okay, but yelling and hitting is not okay. From now on, when mommy is upset, I’ll go to my special place to calm down and feel better. Take the kids to the designated room door. for self-silence and demonstrate how this new sign will change when you enter there to calm down.
Role play: the mighty teacher
Now is the time to show them what it will look like. Tell the children that you will make them believe you are angry and show them what you will do when you are angry. Acting a bit dramatic, say to them, “MOM IS FEELING CRAZY! I’M GOING TO MY SPECIAL PLACE TO CALM!” Immediately go to your previously designated room and allow them to follow you. On the door of the room you are about to enter, change the sign next to it with the word or picture of the new use of the room. Enter the room, close and lock the door. Stay there for a few minutes and then walk out with a smile on your face and a look of peace and quiet. Finally, change the sign to the word or picture that indicates that the room has returned to normal use, and repeat this exercise a few more times over the next few days. If your children beg you to join them during the role play, allow them to go, but ONLY during the role play. While in the self-quiet room, be quiet and make it seem like you are going through some kind of calming process. If your toddler starts freaking out when you walk into his quiet room during an actual use episode and is afraid to leave it then, allow him to accompany you but remain silent while in the room. . Children under the age of three are still developing the psychological concept called object permanence, which means that there is still something hidden from their view. These children sometimes fear that when you walk into a room and close the door, you are actually disappearing altogether.
Handling your frustration in this way creates a new pattern of behavior for you, and at the same time, it will help teach your children that it is okay to get angry and how to handle it. It begins the process of molding and shaping their emotional intelligence and teaches them that it is up to me to walk away when I am angry until I can calm down and feel better. The fundamental lesson your children will receive is about SELF CONTROL. Some children may even ask parents if they, too, can have their own space to calm down when they feel angry. If they do, help them build one and let them role play to teach them how to use it. See my article on proper use of time-out for more information on setting up a child’s self-silence space.