It’s a boy? Is he an adult? No, he is a teenager.

I have been working with adolescents for over 35 years. I initially learned my trade through studying, which gave me an outline and which was later completed and enriched over the years of working directly with them. I still find adolescents to be the most stimulating, challenging, and often perplexing anthropogenic species I have ever come across.

The following is about an area that stumped me for some time.

I have seen families where everything seems fine. There is a lot of love and time for children, there are rules and limits, the family does exciting things together, but still manages to encourage children to have individual interests and a lot of time with their friends. They even have regular meals sitting together around the table.

As children get older, they face the normal range of difficulties that families with teenagers often experience, such as becoming less cooperative, moody, messy room, being late, etc. Problems are resolved, family life remains reasonable, and life continues in the positive if it pulls the vein. The teenager is doing more things with his friends and the parents are becoming taxi drivers and have to retune the car radio to the stations they prefer. Parents deal with desires to change hair or color, tattoos, body piercings and changes in dress style, going out later, etc… Good conflict and disagreement resolution is common. Life may not be as harmonious as before, but it’s still reasonable, and parents understand that this is all part of the “growing up” process.

Then, often out of the blue, war breaks out. The reasonable adolescent becomes totally uncooperative, arguments taking place at the level of yelling, directing, and even offering advice becomes a no-go area. They stop saying where they are going, they are late, they refuse to eat with the family, they seem to question everything the parents say, they stop understanding the word ‘no’. Parents feel that they are losing control and that their cute son has turned into a monster. At the same time, however, they are shocked and confused when their teenage friends’ parents praise them for their polite and likeable teenager and wish their own son would be just like theirs. In addition, the school does not report any problems.

What’s going on? Are the parents of their teenage friends being nice to hide the horror they feel for their own child? Does this teenage freak hate his parents so much that they’re trying to cause as much pain as possible? Are they going crazy? Are they drugged? Do the parents have such poor parenting skills that they are causing the problems?

To understand what may be contributing to situations like this, we need to look at the different but natural and necessary processes that occur in the backgrounds of both the parents and the teen. Good parenting allows the child to grow from a helpless baby to an independent adult who can take charge of her own destiny. Parents will be to the best of their ability and resources, loved, fed and nurtured, clothed and educated. They will also have gone out of their way to protect their child from harm, and there will often be a very strong desire for their child to do everything right. For most parents, this is a natural process, stemming from their inherent genetic makeup that has been informed from their own upbringing and life experiences.

During adolescence the adolescent will be experiencing many physical and emotional changes. Sometimes they will be growing faster than at any other time in their lives; puberty will be coming, causing a series of important physical and emotional changes. Most will face pressure to achieve in school and will be pushed to make decisions that will affect their future. They will face peer pressure to dress or behave in a particular way. The adult commercial world will put its pressure on them to convince them that their clothes and products are ‘cool’, so all demanding teenagers need them and indeed there is something wrong with them if they don’t follow the trend.

All of this is pointing the teenager toward adulthood; Adolescence is the stage between being a child and becoming an adult. We know that in the UK adulthood starts at 18, but when does it really start? When can teens make informed and responsible decisions about what they do and how to behave? Understanding this can help parents develop strategies to reduce the type of conflict described above.

Unfortunately, there is no defining point when childhood ends and adulthood begins. For example, look at a 16 year old; due to the instinct of parents to protect their children, they will probably see them as children. My own son is 35 years old and a very successful businessman, I still worry about some of the decisions he makes. The 16-year-old will see himself as an adult who does not need anyone to control what he is doing, at that age my son felt capable of making much more appropriate life decisions than his parents who were of a past time.

The truth is that a 16-year-old boy is neither a child nor an adult, more childish in some aspects, more adult in others. So life is confusing and often made worse by conflicting responses from parents and other adults, like teachers. ‘Stop acting like a child’, ‘no, you can’t stay out after ten. ‘Why don’t you grow up?’, ‘no, you can’t wear those clothes.’ ‘Why don’t you take more responsibility for yourself?’, ‘No, you can’t spend your own money on a motorcycle.’

The teenager’s time clock is telling them that adulthood is near, which leads to another confusion. His emotions say yes, I want to be a part of this adult world, but he feels much safer if I stay where I am. When you add the pressures of adolescence to their physical and emotional turmoil, you begin to see why some teens begin to lash out, rebel, or withdraw.

So parents, if you want to avoid an all-out war with your teens, remember that your ultimate task is to guide them into adulthood by gradually reducing control and allowing them to learn from the mistakes they will make, to be there to help them pick up the pieces. and move on again. Support and encourage, try not to inhibit. Allow them to flood in and then help them to their feet. Override your need to protect them from harm and allow them to grow through the experience. They will still need clear boundaries, but have the courage to negotiate new ones with them. If they abuse them, have the courage to apply the penalties for such faults. You have the right to say NO, but explain the reasons why you are declining the request. Remember that following the rules is an essential skill that they will need throughout their lives.

Protecting their children is one of the most powerful emotions parents experience, sometimes so powerful that some parents unconsciously try to delay their teens’ progress into adulthood as a way of delaying ‘having to quit. to go’. If teens are allowed to grow into adulthood enjoying their adolescence, they will become more confident adults and will likely end up having better relationships with their parents.