My negative behavior drove my husband away: How can I show him that I have changed so that he will come back?
It is very common for wives to take the blame when their husband leaves them or wants a divorce. Most of the time, there’s a lot of blame to go around and taking it all on your own shoulders rarely does much good. However, many wives are convinced that it was their behavior that caused their husband to leave. And, taking it a step further, they wonder if changing her behavior will make him come back. I recently heard from a wife who was sure she “took her husband away” with her negative behavior and now she wanted to change that behavior to get him back.
She said in part, “Looking back now, I can see I was always pretty negative towards my husband. I was always jealous and possessive. I always assumed the worst about him and moped around the house like I was expecting something.” bad that happened. When he wanted to go out or do fun things with friends, he would always find an excuse not to go. He repeatedly told me that I wasn’t fun living with him and that he wasn’t sure how much he wanted. he could still ‘always walk on eggshells’ around me. But I continued my negative behavior and pushed him away and now he is gone. Now I know I was wrong and I want it back more than anything. If I change my behavior and show that I have changed and that I can be nice to be around, could I get it back?” I will try to address these concerns in the next article.
Instead of focusing solely on the fact that you pushed him away, focus on changing your perspective from negative to positive: The wife felt an incredible amount of guilt now that her husband was gone. She completely blamed herself and this attitude haunted her when she tried to interact with her husband. While it was good that she was willing to take responsibility for the behavior, that very behavior was now a thing of the past. Yes, she would have to undo a lot of things. But constantly thinking about the big mistake she had made was not going to help the situation. I suggested that he focus on the present and the future instead of the past. Yes, her negativity had affected her marriage and her family’s happiness. But today was a new day and dwelling on her behavior wasn’t changing it or addressing the negativity.
Making your husband believe that you have changed enough for him to want to come back: I felt that this should be the wife’s main goal. Because for her husband to even consider going home willingly and cooperatively, he needed to believe that the wife was not only willing to change but that she had already begun the process. So it was very important that she approach her husband in a positive and believable way. It is equally important that you only say or do things that can be completely genuine. Because it is normal and not surprising that your husband has some doubts about the new you. Getting him to believe that the changes are genuine, sustainable, and sufficient will often take some time. That is why it is so important to always be very careful not to return to his old behaviors. You have to truly understand why you acted the way you did and then make the necessary and appropriate adjustments so that true and lasting change is possible.
Make sure your husband knows and understands that your true focus is on gradually building a happy and lasting marriage rather than just bringing it back in the short term: One thing I must inform you of is that you may encounter a bit of resistance from your husband, who may have heard all of your promises or vows before. He may feel like you’re just telling him what he wants to hear so he’ll come home. But, he may suspect that as soon as he does, you’ll fall back on your old behaviors.
This is why it is vital that you make it clear that you are more focused on a long-term solution rather than just a short-term quick fix. Because you probably won’t want to go back if the solution is only temporary or if you suspect that both of you will go to all this work to make all these changes just to end up where you started.
One way to tackle this problem head-on is to focus on more gradual progress. Your husband may have some understandable misgivings if you try to make him believe that you suddenly changed your personality or solved all your problems overnight. This is not the way it works and your husband knows that as well as anyone else. Instead, he wants to focus on gradual changes that are credible and that he can maintain with a little effort. Sometimes it’s best to keep interactions short and casual until your husband begins to let go of some of his doubts and you begin to regain his trust.
As much as possible, try to surround yourself with things that reinforce a positive and optimistic attitude: When faced with the threat of losing someone we love, it’s normal and understandable to be sad, scared, or even depressed. But allowing these feelings to drive us when we interact with our husband can intensify and show the issues that brought us here in the first place. It’s very easy to take a defeatist attitude and think things like, “maybe I don’t deserve this anyway, since now he’s really seen me and I can’t undo what I did.” The truth is that there was a time when he saw your best side and he liked what he saw. Right now, you have to cultivate that person again. But you can’t do that if you’re feeding yourself negative thoughts and experiences.
I know it’s hard to focus on the positive when negative things are happening around you, but doing so will help you pull it off convincingly, and the difference may be apparent to your husband, helping lay the groundwork for the work you need to do. To have to do. This is just one more change you are showing him. And the totality of all these changes could convince him that he still has enough invested to come back. So while he may think he scared him off, now is the time to show him that he is serious enough about getting him back not to exhibit the same behaviors.