My spouse says our marriage will fail because he doesn’t deserve me after the affair

Many people understand that the time period after finding out about your spouse’s affair is volatile. Often it is impossible to think clearly and objectively. And for these reasons, many people understand that, most of the time, it’s not in his best interest to make big, lasting decisions until he can calm down and think rationally. But not everyone has this luxury because sometimes your spouse is the one who will make rash decisions.

A wife might say, “Much to my surprise, I didn’t immediately leave or throw my husband out after his affair. I was a bit dazed and knew I wasn’t thinking clearly. So while asking for some time before we really talked about it , I didn’t do anything drastic. I really have no idea if we can save our marriage. But I would like the opportunity to explore that. However, I may not get that opportunity. Because my husband announced last night that he thinks our marriage could break up because he feels he doesn’t deserve me and thinks he can never get over these feelings of inadequacy. Frankly, this makes me mad. He’s the one who cheated on me and now he has the last word? What if I don’t care if he doesn’t deserve me? ?

This is not so rare. Sometimes the cheating spouse is being completely sincere when he makes this statement. They fully believe that his actions have made them unlikable and unredeemable. And they feel that ultimately they might be better off without someone as flawed as they are.

But other spouses pull out the pity card to try to get you to say something like, “You’re wrong. You deserve me. You’re a good person who made a mistake. Let’s start over.” What cheating spouse wouldn’t want this quick and easy way out? It’s helpful to be aware that if he allows them to remove this fast, then he may be cheating himself out of rehabbing and healing.

That doesn’t mean you just have to accept what he says without having a conversation about it. Sure, you can tell him your opinion by offering something like, “All the research I’m doing says you shouldn’t make any drastic decisions about ending or saving your marriage until you’ve taken the time to calmly assess things. It’s too soon for that.” let’s do that. So I think it’s too early for us to declare our marriage over. We may need to explore counseling or have meaningful conversations before we’re in a place where we can make a decision about our marriage. But I think it’s It is very premature to make a decision to end the marriage before even trying to work this out. We may be able to heal and there may be a time in the future when we both feel we are serving the other. We won’t know unless we take the first steps to explore how we feel and see what we can salvage, but simply state that our marriage is probably over due to whatever Whatever initial feeling, that’s rushing. Can we wait to see? What happens in the days ahead before you make some major life-changing decision?”

His answer may give you some clues as to whether he really believes the whole “I don’t deserve you” claim or if he’s just faking it a bit. Because you’re not telling him that YES he deserves you right this second. You’re just saying that you’re willing to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

He can frankly believe what he is telling you. But the most effective way for him to finally believe that he is serving in the future is to rehabilitate himself, do the job, and eventually become the best husband he can be.

Obviously, you can’t do that if you quit at the first sign of trouble. And part of taking responsibility is hanging in there, regardless of whether or not there are guarantees. Sometimes he is looking for you to calm him down. But no one can put you at ease before the job is done.

So I think the best strategy is to try to convince him that these types of decisions are premature. So, you do the work. Honestly, if he’s willing to do all of this, then it makes sense that they both think he’s serving in the future.