Single mother’s journey

I was running late for a meeting when I got a call from my babysitter saying my 10-year-old ran away from home and left me a note. I took a detour and ran back home. My heart was beating so fast. I was feeling a myriad of emotions…guilt, anger, frustration, fear, and exasperation. “Why is he making things difficult for me? Can’t he understand that I’ve had enough of his father? Can’t he see that his father is to blame here?” These thoughts, and more, crossed my mind.

I was finally home… and thank God my son was back too. I wanted to scold him so badly, but I controlled myself. I hugged him, told him not to do it again and warned him of the dangers of running away from home, especially for his age.

My heart ached so much. I knew he was trying to get my attention. I wanted to be there for him, but I had to work really hard to keep supporting him and his one-year-old brother. Then I realized that I was alone. I had to do it alone… like mom and dad at the same time.

This is just one of many painful incidents that happened to me and my children as a result of my separation from their father. And this was just the beginning of my journey as a single mother of two…a journey that involved many balancing acts: a balance between feeling independent and having the sole responsibility of raising two children; a balance between telling my children the truth about their father and hiding what can make them lose respect for their father; a balance between accepting my wounds and bravely facing up; a balance between spending time with the kids and running my business; and a balance between being a father and a mother.

All those years I heard two voices inside me: the mother who kept telling me: “You are not a teenager anymore. You have two children that you are responsible for”; and young Lisa who kept saying, “You’ve been robbed of your youth. You deserve to enjoy life.” It was a constant battle between the teenager in me who was forced to grow up early and the mother in me who was doing her best to be responsible for her two children. The more the adult Lisa in me tried to control the young Lisa in me, the more rebellious the young Lisa became. But in her rebellion there was always that guilt that plagued her. Vivid images of my children played in my mind over and over again while I was sleeping with a man or partying with my friends. It almost drives me crazy. I wanted to run away but I couldn’t. I felt trapped!

And then there was the corporate self, looking strong and “together.” I projected an image of an independent woman who didn’t need a man in her life. He was self-sufficient and successful. Married men wanted to be with me because she represented the type of woman who didn’t care about commitment in relationships. I was also the envy of many married women who wanted the freedom that I had.

With all of these things happening in my life at the time, I still felt empty and lost. Although I didn’t want to be with any man, I knew my children needed a father figure…something I could never provide. I also knew that they needed a more emotionally stable mom who would spend quality and quantity of time with them and not just take them to nice places or buy them whatever they wanted. He knew what had to be done, but he didn’t know how to do it. I wanted to change but kept failing. In fact, I met a man who treated me very well and entered into a relationship with him. He was legally married to her wife but separated from her, so I thought he was fine. I tried to start a family with him and my children. It was a fantasy world because we weren’t married. In fact, it made me feel more frustrated and insecure.

God was watching me all those times. And when it was time for him, he finally made me lose control. After four years of being a single mother, I was reborn. It was a personal encounter with Jesus that was waiting to happen. He was ripe for it.

I woke up the next day (after being reborn the day before) feeling so fresh and full of hope. She was ready to start a new life as a single mother. That was just the beginning. Day after day I grew closer and closer to the Lover of my soul. He began to heal and restore me. I lost desire for everything outside of Jesus. I stopped smoking, partying, drinking and hanging around. It’s not even because “I had to.” I just lost interest in him.

My children saw the big change in mom. I took them to Jesus as well and they both sincerely received Jesus into their hearts. I started taking them to church with me and even having Bible studies and devotions with them at home. They also began to realize that their true father is God the Father, who will never leave or forsake them.

I will never forget a Scripture that God spoke to me so clearly one day…

For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord of hosts is His name, and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the God of all the earth is called. For the Lord has called you as a helpless woman, afflicted in spirit and with pain in heart, even a wife [wooed and won] in youth, when [later] rejected and written down, says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion and mercy I will pick you up [to Me] again. In a small outburst of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting love and kindness I will have compassion and mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer.
(Isaiah 54:5-8)

God became my husband and the father of my children. I was so happy with Him and I didn’t even want to marry anyone else. When he was finally so sure that no one could ever take his place in my heart, he sent me the man he had set aside for me. He knew that I was ready for an earthly husband.

I have been married to my second husband for almost four years and our marriage is a testament to how God heals and restores.