The elusive presence of joy
They have guided me to write about a subject that I find a bit painful to convey. The idea of this article has been kicking around for some time, but I had to work up the courage to look, feel and move through some dark places in my psyche. Not that I don’t like a good deep self-examination, but it’s hard to find the words to express/describe it and then sharing it requires a whole new level of “big girl panties.” So while it is in my power, I will proceed knowing that my inner guidance system has never failed me.
What is joy? Who is joy? Where can I find joy? Is joy a feeling, a creation or a state of being? Can I be given joy or can I give joy to someone else? Who asks these kinds of questions and why do I ask them at this point in my growth?
Many meditation, manifestation and unity practices guide you to tap into your JOY. My understanding of this premise is that within pure JOY there is a vibration (frequency) that will help us to be a vibrational combination of whatever we desire! Like saying, JOY calls JOY. Typically, these practices will guide you through visualizations to help create the feeling of joy based on the past. present or future experiences. As you focus on joyful experiences and connect to the resonance of the JOY vibration (how it feels), you expand it until you are JOY (if only for an instance). These are beautiful and extremely powerful practices, but…
What if you can’t or don’t know how to feel joy? There have been many times in my life that I just can’t tap into the feeling of joy. OK, let me be really honest here, I rarely feel JOY when doing these practices. I can emulate joy, I can externalize joy, but there are many times that I just don’t feel it in my day to day life. This happens even if I am remembering something as sacred as the birth of my children, the face of a loved one, or any multitude of events that “should” invoke the feeling of joy. The goal of finding joy to become JOY escapes me and I find nothing, nothing, zip and I become empty. I have to ask myself why I am like this and trust in the fact that there are many others like me.
Here are some reasons why I think I am like this. I used to take pride in the fact that I was the calm within the storm. I used this gift to weather some very difficult scenarios in my personal life. This is a great gift if the storm is bringing devastation, but what if the storm is a beautiful display of nature’s thunderous power, a downpour of cleansing rain, pristine snowfall, or a magical, shimmering display of ice? These are storms to get excited, dance, be amazed, laugh and be FULL OF JOY. Somewhere along the way I trained myself not to feel. I took off. I believe that the traumas in my life were my educator and taught my emotional system not to feel good or bad. I’m sure all mental health therapists are ready to jump on this one! What I found crazy about this trauma-induced state is that when I first recognized and started doing my inner work, I could effortlessly feel or invoke negative emotions, but emotions like Happy, Satisfied, Excited, Content, or Joy. eluded me. In fact, I felt embarrassed or ashamed of this fact. It doesn’t mean I’m not all those things. I didn’t walk or ride like “Debbie Downer”, quite the opposite in fact. If you know me, talk to me, live with me, share with me, read or listen to me, you know that this is not my outward appearance at all. However, there is still a control switch connected to my JOY button that does not activate easily.
I have noticed that, over time, this emotional encoding of FEELINGLESS has been transforming, transmuting, and transitioning into an “Observer” trend. As I become more spiritually attuned and accept the idea that this space-time reality is illusory, I have a new kind of detachment. This is not a bad thing. The way it feels or the vibration of this place is one of deep peace or calm existence. It may look or feel a bit flat or empty to others, but I can assure you that it is expansive and whole. But I’m still wondering what I’m supposed to do when I’m asked to summon JOY.
The knowledge that has been churning within is that I believe I have been given the gift of recognizing these traits so that I can help others navigate what appears to be a negative set of circumstances and how to embrace the power of this gift. I know that this feeling of emptiness is much better than dread, fear, anger, hatred or depression. Within this emptiness or lack of emotions there is a divine place of peace. If I can allow myself to be nonjudgmental and just feel the emptiness, I am led to an expansion of being. Within that expansion remains an immense JOY! It may not be directly connected to the normal earthly invocation of joy, but I know, I know, I know that within the crystalline silence of my inner being lies my connection to my creator, my connection to everything and that which was once elusive. now it is tangible.
Speaking of tangibles! I have now come to know that there are 2 things that bring me instant and immense JOY. When I am walking, speaking, listening, experiencing, receiving, and expressing my life purpose, which at this time is my Reconnective Healing Practice, I am overwhelmed with a sense of HUGE JOY. I AM JOY! This extends to my personal life, professional life, casual life, my life of everything! Every time I place my attention on the frequencies, without fail, I experience love and joy. I don’t have to summon, conjure, provoke, dig, or pretend. The interaction (internal action) with the Reconnective Healing Frequencies is my reconnection with my knowing or remembering that I AM LOVE and I AM JOY.
I know, I said 2… someone said let’s go for a motorcycle ride?
Appendix:
Last Friday, when I finished a Reconnective Healing session, I saw my client fill with emotion when he said “it feels like JOY”, to which I replied “huge JOY” and we cried.
On the way home from that session, I was informed that a loved one had attempted suicide, was unconscious, and in the ICU. Now my family had entered “suicide week”! Where is the JOY now? Where did it go, why couldn’t these people know, experience, feel, receive, express and/or embrace joy? Had the heaviness of our earthly emotional body become too much for them?
I have come to know that if I put my attention on the illusion of our world, it can become too heavy a burden to carry. When I can only see, perceive or experience fear, hate, disappointment, it is very difficult to find joy. I know this space of despair too well. Mental illness is an illness like other illnesses and a disconnection from our innate perfection. Finding help is the first step in unraveling the web. I promise you there is hope and there is a way back to JOY.
If you need help right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386, or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting with “START” to 741741.
One more note: I also know and accept that I am part of the creation of this earthly illusion, which has created this deep depression that some find themselves in. For my part in this illusion I invoke the law of forgiveness and share the gift of ho’oponopono.
Rob, Kate, Anthony, your friends and family: I love you, I’m sorry, forgive me and I thank you. -I