7 practical tips on co-parenting your child with your ex
Although your romantic relationship with your ex has ended, the truth is that your relationship as co-parents of your children will continue. So now is the time to work together to develop an effective co-parenting plan that works for both of you and is uniquely in your children’s best interests. An effective co-parenting plan may very well keep you out of court and place the responsibility of caring for your children with you and your ex rather than with a judge. Start with these practical tips:
1. Identify the key values you share with your ex about how your children should be raised. For example, maybe you and your ex agree that you both want to be positive role models for your children, or you both value respect for yourself and others and want to impart this to your children.
2. Make a list of issues or decisions that need to be made for your children. For example, you may need to decide what school your children will attend, what is the best parenting time for your children, who among you will make decisions about doctors, guardians, or other specialists, and how those decisions will be made. This list will often change as your children get older and become more involved in school and extracurricular activities.
3. Develop effective ways to communicate with each other about these and other important issues that come up regarding your children. When you communicate effectively with each other, you set a positive role model for your children and build your own strength. For example, during a conversation, go beyond your own personal needs and interests to be fully present in what your ex is saying. Listen to understand where he or she is coming from. When responding, you can first clarify what has been said by beginning your response with “It sounds like you said…” This can be difficult and challenging, especially at first, but it’s worth it. For help with this, I recommend Sharon Ellison’s book, Don’t Be So Defensive: Taking the War Out of Our Words With Powerful Non-Defensive Communication and Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher and Bill Ury.
4. It may be helpful to consult with an experienced family therapist or parenting coach to help you communicate with each other to create an effective parenting arrangement and/or parenting schedule that is unique to your children’s needs. Please bring the above lists to use as a guide and be flexible in making any changes. You’d be surprised what a good therapist or trainer can accomplish for a fraction of the time and cost of going to court! If you would like a list of local experts for this purpose, please contact me.
5. Keep a journal to record significant events that occur while the children are with each of you, particularly if the children are very young. This must be a diary exchanged between the two of you. You can record entries such as what time your child took a nap each day, what he ate, any milestones reached such as crawling, running, if your child was sick, or whatever you think is important and useful for your ex to know.
6. Read the book called Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. or visit http://www.momshousedadshouse.com. These offer some very valuable tips and additional resources for co-parents.
7. Take advantage of the “Our Family Wizard” website, which includes a calendar for coordinating shared parenting time online, among other tools, to help you communicate effectively with each other. The website can be found at http://www.ourfamilywizard.com. For example, the calendar allows you to enter your child’s activities that have been scheduled, such as birthday parties, extracurricular activities, and school or sporting events so that both of you have access to the schedule. This can help avoid misinformation or miscommunication that might otherwise result in a short application.
The key to successful co-parenting is to be proactive rather than reactive, taking advantage of the many resources available to you.