Adults with Asperger’s – How to Manage Eye Contact

Difficulty making eye contact

One of the key signs of Asperger syndrome is a difference in the use of eye contact during communication. This seemingly trivial variation can cause major conflicts and misunderstandings when it comes to dealing with the neurotypical world. When to look someone in the eye, when to look away, does lack of eye contact indicate hostility or dishonesty, too long eye contact indicates threat or seduction? Much is expressed and read in a seemingly simple look. The confusion is compounded by the fact that different cultures have different rules for eye contact, and the rules within families may be different from those of friends, acquaintances, or strangers. What is praised as “paying attention” in some cultures is criticized as “not being respectful” in others.

Why do people use eye contact?

There are reasons the neurotypical world uses eye contact: as an indication of openness, interest, or attention, as well as to convey less friendly messages like boredom or dominance. Checking with the listener’s eye contact is a way to verify that you are still getting your point across and not confusing, boring, or offending the listener. While it may be considered impolite to interrupt when confused, a simple squint gets the message across.

For people with Asperger syndrome or other autism spectrum disorders, eye contact can be very uncomfortable. Just go online and read some of the adult Asperger syndrome blogs and you’ll find great discussions of how eye contact can feel threatening, distracting, or overwhelming.

How to handle problems with eye contact

So what can be done about eye contact problems? It would be great if everyone recognized that eye contact is a trivial matter and that people were judged on their words and actions. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon. Unless they’re clearly afflicted with Asperger’s syndrome, most people probably don’t even know what it is. (When I tell my acquaintances that I specialize in coaching and therapy for people with Asperger’s, the first question is usually: “What is Asperger’s?”). behavior for life, albeit largely unconscious.

Of course, you always have the option to do nothing, just following your natural behavior. If you’re not suffering from unintended consequences due to lack of eye contact, then that might be the obvious solution.

But, if you have social or professional problems, I think the solution comes down to compromise and careful consideration of the situation. In The Complete Guide to Asperger’s SyndromeTony Attwood suggests that adults find a way to explain to others why their eye contact is different. (p. 89) Suggest stating that looking away helps the speaker focus, or asking the listener to let you know if they are getting bored. These direct methods are probably most useful to people you know fairly well and will be interacting with a lot.

Some online sites suggest faking eye contact by looking just above the eyes, forehead, or eyebrows. I think this is an intriguing idea, but you would have to practice first. Find a neurotypical friend and see how this works. (Not your mom! She’s used to the way you behave.) Most neurotypicals are uncomfortable when body language is different, even though they may not be able to explain precisely what is wrong. Don’t try to fake eye contact for the first time in a job interview or on a first date.

A final option is to try to learn neurotypical gaze behaviors. This is a large, time-consuming project that will likely require training from some type of professional and a lot of practice. I would suggest finding a qualified therapist, speech professional or coach to figure out all the technical details and then a close neurotypical friend to practice with.

Unfortunately, there is no simple answer to the eye contact question, just a lot of compromises. In the end, the people you care about most will likely get your message, whether or not you look them in the eye.