complaints massage
I often go to Maine to relax and immerse myself in the beautiful scenery, it’s my natural therapy. The ocean with the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, the walks along the rocky cliffs that inspire me with the feeling that time stops meaning something and I could walk all day. I do sunrise and sunset hunts, photo walks to find the most interesting rocks, shells, cliffs, flowers, water droplets hanging from the tips of leaves. Making the trip more special has always included the opportunity to visit friends.
This year our trip was suddenly changed by the death of my dear friend’s husband. Coming to Maine now was about helping comfort, being there to help in any way I could. All the compassionate care I learned as a cancer massage therapist was now being put to the test on a much more personal level. Seeing such grievance all he wanted to do was help in any way he could and say the right things at the right time. I knew that all I am trained to do is listen, there is no relating, no suggestions to make me feel better day by day, or even month by year. During my time with her I pulled out all the tools in my compassionate care toolbox; hugs, sitting quietly, working very hard not to say something insensitive. I was also quickly reminded of the importance of serving small amounts of food.
It’s amazing how quickly I surveyed the kitchen and found all the ingredients for the chicken soup. Making the soup filled my need to do something useful. The aroma of the entire kitchen reminds you of the need to eat. Freezing small amounts that would be eaten once I was gone made it easier to leave. I quickly realized that I would take over the driving; concentration was not possible, in addition to engaging in meaningless conversations to distract himself, making difficult phone calls, and showing up to help with difficult appointments.
When offering my friend a chair massage, I understood that she might decline, but she accepted the offer and created a comfortable place for her to sit. I gently placed my hands on her back and allowed her breath to connect with my hands. I knew she was doing more than just “holding” her, I was trying to help her hang on, hold everything together without falling apart, holding a friend in the palm of my hands. I can easily explain the Relaxation Response to a room full of massage therapists; I understand how a light touch affects the vagus nerve in a positive way. Staying with my friend, I witnessed intense hurt and I honestly didn’t know if she could soothe the trauma that prevented her from sleeping, eating, relaxing, thinking rationally, and making any kind of decisions. I prayed that when I massaged her back that she felt her breathing relax, she saw her shoulders drop and recognized that deep breath that meant letting go of physical and emotional tension.
We fell silent and I knew that the hours of grievance had created the tension I was feeling. She complained of pain in her neck and shoulders from previous surgery which definitely helped increase muscle tension. I went up and down her back to find the spots along her spine that needed the warmth of my hands. My techniques consisted of gentle compression, light pressure from her shoulders to her lower back in a rhythm that seemed to make it easier for her to breathe. The massage lasted about 15 minutes. It became clear that the changes he could feel on the outside also had an effect on the inside. I noticed that her breathing became easier and I could notice for just a few minutes that her shoulders relaxed. It is something that is very familiar to me, helping patients in the treatment of cancer. This time I really wanted to offer a compassionate touch to a friend. We both ended up calling her massages “grievance massages.”
Going out was very difficult, I knew I needed to do something to keep her “on my mind” and allow us to stay connected long distance. A year-long commitment was made to stay in touch by sending him one of my nature photos every morning. My way of connecting with a beautiful photography to reflect on. It is a reminder to me that the grievance she is living with is not going to end anytime soon and I will be respectful of that and be there to listen to her as she regains her footing and continues her life without her husband.
Tips for giving a simple massage at home
- Comfort is important to both. Seat the person to be massaged at the kitchen table and use a pillow to support the arms. Sit behind them to make sure they’re comfortable too.
- It’s all about a light touch and simple compression. This is not deep work to fix a problem.
- Use music to help you relax into a simple rhythm that allows your hands to rest and move up and down the muscles along the spine.
- Slightly compress the shoulders to the base of the neck. Compress their heads and feel that you are helping them “hang on.”
- Limit to 15 minutes.
- Repeat as often as you can and be receptive.