Forgive your past in the heart of an inspiring memory
Teresa Nickell’s The Girl in Your Wallet is the updated second edition of her powerful book of memoir and personal development. Teresa has written a book of vulnerability and courage. The title refers to a photo of herself that Teresa carries in her purse. She describes this photo as:
“I’m about four years old, wearing a pretty dress and a bow in my hair. The weathered, tattooed, black-and-white photo is very old. I carry it with me to remind myself to show compassion for my younger children.” She didn’t deserve what happened to her, nor did she understand it. What happened should never have happened. What she should have avoided. She was confused, scared and she just wanted to be held. those things were available to her. She lived in a world where children weren’t seen, heard, and didn’t do much good.”
Now well into her fifties, Teresa discovers that her childhood self is still very much a part of her life and she needs to be comforted. “He loved her. He hated her. I was her.” Drawing on trauma therapy, Teresa continually reminds the girl that she will take care of her and that she is important, but also that she is no longer in charge of her, but the wiser adult self of her.
Teresa shares the full story of her life in these pages, exploring the dysfunction she endured as a child with troubled parents who drank or engaged in extramarital affairs. In the midst of this dysfunction, Teresa herself learned thought patterns to protect herself from it, patterns that she realized no longer serve her. She says of the girl in her wallet: “We got into some trouble, her and I. We learned to manipulate and influence others. Behind this manipulation was a desperate and never-ending need to find ways to defuse angry situations.”
Her childhood dysfunction led Teresa early on to domestic dysfunction. She married at seventeen because she was three months pregnant. She and her husband were more interested in partying than caring for a child, so eventually, her husband’s mother adopted the child, a decision Teresa felt guilty about for years, though over time he realized that it was the best decision for his son.
Over time, Teresa’s first marriage collapsed. Then her alcohol and drug use landed her and a boyfriend in jail and prison. Although the repeated trips to jail were a wake-up call for Teresa, who began attending Alcoholics Anonymous and changed her life, she still made some bad decisions, such as marrying her boyfriend while she was still in prison. For me, one of the most revealing moments in the book was when Teresa talked about why so many women date men in prison. She says, “I have firsthand experience: inmates make great boyfriends. They always call when they say they will and are happy to see you on visiting day. They’re full of compliments about how wonderful and beautiful you are, and then there are the gifts.” .” But she also reveals that these men often play on women’s emotions and may be dating multiple women while in prison.
Once clean and sober, Teresa entered the workforce, starting minimum wage work at a bakery. Eleven years later, she was the owner of the multi-billion dollar corporation. Being a business owner led to new life lessons, as well as ongoing struggles with her past. She developed “impostor syndrome,” a feeling that she didn’t really own a business and that she didn’t deserve her success, and the fear that others would recognize her as an impostor. Despite these obstacles, she continued to grow, heal, and thrive. Perhaps most importantly, she learned to give back. She began teaching other women in prison, helping them prepare to transition back into the world in a healthier way.
I’m happy to say that over time, Teresa replaced dysfunctional husband number two with a husband who truly has her back, loves her unconditionally, and is always there for her. The many things Teresa has learned about relationships are powerful and eye opening. For example, she states:
“One of the negative beliefs that I carried from my past into my relationship with Mark [husband number two] was that if a man really loves you, he will hit you. My first marriage had further reinforced this. So, I did everything I could to irritate Mark to the point of violence.”
Teresa also devotes a fair amount of space to how she worked through the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to get sober and how she realizes, but by the grace of God, she could go back to the lifestyle she had before.
Each chapter ends with a study guide to help readers reflect on what they have just read and how it might apply to their own lives. Readers will find a lot to chew on here. Much more than simply telling her story, Teresa provides insight into many issues our society must address, such as how we treat criminals who have been released from the prison system. This book is also about whether Christian congregations everywhere are offering unjudgmental love to convicted felons and welcoming them into their fold. Should churches ask for a resume in the first place?
She also speaks honestly about how her AA sponsor led her to have a relationship with Jesus Christ and to understand God’s role in our lives. In the end, she has realized that we can’t always control our lives, but we can trust God to work out the details.
By sharing this story, healing, and letting go of her past beliefs, Teresa Nickell has become a whole new person and shows that we can all do the same.