Heaviness, depression and despair, hopelessness, part one
When a person is overwhelmed by feelings of heaviness, depression and despair, they have difficulty sleeping, they believe that they are hopeless and that their situation is hopeless. They believe that they are completely helpless, they fall asleep or do not sleep, they cry, they are full of sadness, they have no energy, they have lost interest in doing something with their life and they believe that they are worthless and useless. The person is lonely, full of disappointments, self-pitying and full of gluttony.
Inside they feel broken, empty and terribly alone. They constantly reflect and think about their past mistakes and failures and stay away from other people. Their belief is that they only belong in negative environments around negative people and what these other negative people think about them is what really matters. Consciously and subconsciously they hear over and over again that they are a failure, a burden to everyone, a disgusting, a rejection, and that they don’t matter. They are very sensitive because they don’t feel good about themselves. The person is very critical of himself, lonely and heartbroken. They blame themselves for things that are out of their control. This usually started in childhood with a very critical father who scolded, blamed, and used guilt to manipulate his son.
Many times they were emotionally, physically, and sexually abused as children and believe that pain and love are the same thing. Your mommy and daddy hit you with an extension cord because they loved you. The reason you were abused is because you are a bad person and you deserve to bleed. There is a history of rejection and many times the person directly or indirectly received a message that he should never have been born. Their distorted and sometimes racing thoughts keep telling them that they are no good, that no one likes you, that you can’t do anything right, that you are a reject, that you deserve to be humiliated, that you have no future, that you are dirty, that your life is Completely out of control, and it’s all your fault. Other people laugh at you, say bad things about you, you didn’t make a mistake, you’re a mistake, you’re nobody, you deserve to be hurt, you’re ugly, stupid, and you should be sorry every little bit. mistake you ever made. The person has difficulty receiving praise and compliments. They will despise any praise or compliment you give them. Reflect for a minute how you would feel if you were plagued by all these thoughts.
The first thing the counselor needs to address and help this person change is their belief that they are hopeless. A person who believes that he is hopeless has given up, has descended into total despair and believes that everything she has done has been in vain. They look for all kinds of ways to find happiness and in their search they become completely exhausted and hopeless. A primary source of hopelessness is the belief that the external pleasures in the world that they believe will bring them relief from feeling hopeless. What happens is that the constant search for pleasure to gratify the heart ends in madness. We get a sense of this when we see someone who has everything, a billionaire or someone who is beautiful and popular commit suicide. A person’s hands are the instrument by which he executes his purpose. It is by their hands that they obtain continuous employment, that they make their plans, it is by their hands that a person relates to others and gratifies himself. They convince themselves that no matter how much sadness and disappointment there is in their lives and in the world, if they find the right pleasure and indulge in more and more pleasure and more and more riches, it will sustain them. The counselor helps this person to understand that the things of this world are limited, poor and insignificant.
There are some situations that are totally and utterly hopeless in the world. A counselor cannot live in a bubble and not know that there are some things and situations that are hopeless. The hopeless person may say that no one cares about him and it may be true that no one in the world cares about him. They are blinded to see any sun or any star for many days. The person who believes that he has no remedy sees only darkness. A counselor must remember that an encouraging word is more powerful than a cruel sword. As mentioned above, there are circumstances that are completely beyond hope in this world and will never end or end in death. The counselor must understand that he or she will likely see people go through extreme suffering, such as the unquenchable pain of cancer, immeasurable loss, and absolutely horrible circumstances.
The world is full of suffering that comes from losing a job, not being able to have a child, losing a loved one, losing the ability to do things, racism and sexism, poverty, injustice, bad economy, natural disasters and hundreds of diseases. Most of us make our own decisions. However, sometimes our suffering is not the result of the choices we have made; many times it is the result of the choices we have made. Many people see life from the perspective that they have the right to live a good healthy life without any suffering. When a person goes through extreme suffering, it hits him to the point of confusion, anger, having distorted and irrational thinking, giving up and believing that he is and that his life is completely useless. Suffering leaves scars.
There are some people who are living with severe disabilities, have lost a loved one, and are completely trapped in poverty. The counselor must make sure not to give false hope to people and especially to people who are in conditions that will most likely never get better. What they need is real hope that gives them the ability to live with their suffering and broken existence. A person who is dying and has no hope of living much longer can be given hope by knowing and believing that death does not have the last word.
Some other sources of hopelessness besides confusion and suffering are distorted thoughts that a person tells himself. A person begins to think that he is different from other people. Anyone who comes into their life will reject them, they convince themselves that they are not worthy of love, care and support. The person then begins to withdraw from others, which increases his belief that he is hopeless and his situation is hopeless. They dwell in all the people who have come into your life and have left and abandoned you when you need them most. Hopelessness begins to press so hard that the person feels completely crushed. They constantly remind themselves that they can’t do this and they can’t do that, that you’re deficient in this and you’re deficient in that, and that you don’t have the right things to do it. Many times this person enters into a relationship with a person who has deep-seated control issues and is held physically or emotionally in bondage by that person. They become prisoners of a controlling and often very abusive relationship, which increases their beliefs that they are hopeless and that their situation is hopeless. Then finally they are convinced that they are as hopeless as a bird on the ground with 2 broken wings.
The counselor must understand how this person distorts and twists your thoughts and beliefs. They are convinced that if one person rejects them, all people will reject them, that they or their situation is hopeless or not hopeless and that there is no middle ground, that if they feel something emotionally then it must be true, and that they are able to read other people’s minds. The counselor helps them untangle their distorted thinking by helping them realize that if one or two people reject them, it doesn’t mean everyone will reject them. They are helped to untangle their distorted thinking by looking at their situation in shades of gray or percentages rather than seeing their situation as completely hopeless or not hopeless. This person is helped to understand that he cannot always trust his emotions and even if he feels a certain way about something, it is not always accurate.
The counselor then helps them understand that they cannot read people’s minds. Often this person will jump to conclusions quickly and easily. The counselor helps the person learn how to solve problems by examining the evidence and getting the facts before jumping to conclusions. A person who feels hopeless tends to dismiss the positive and focus entirely on the negative, takes everything very personally, and tends to put negative labels on everything. Every time the counselor makes a suggestion, this person often flutters discounts faster than a hummingbird flutters its wings. That won’t work, I’ve tried it, it doesn’t make any difference, it’s not worth the effort, etc. Again, the best way to deal with this is to have the person examine the evidence and solve the problem. For example, let’s examine the evidence that this suggestion will never work. What are your options and which options are most likely to work. It is better to choose at least one option instead of discarding all the options and doing nothing. In most cases, a person and their situation are not completely hopeless. A person believes that he is or her situation is hopeless because he does not see solutions to her problems or challenges. The counselor helps them look at themselves and their situation and honestly determine what options they do or do not have. Most of the time there is a solution. A counselor must understand that the person who feels completely hopeless is like a person trapped 200 feet deep in a well surrounded by complete darkness with no one around. They are convinced that there is no way out.