How to find your genius: when you have temporarily lost it!
It is often said that we are living with our best teacher, and nowhere is that more true than when we recognize how much we learn and grow as parents of our children. No one else arouses the kind of primal, overwhelming love we feel for our children…and no one, it seems, can frustrate us as intensely as they can.
As much as we know it’s important to be the ‘in charge’, we often lose our footing and get into nurturing situations where we desperately try to get back into the driver’s seat while trying to regain control. But when we’re in reactive mode, it’s pretty hard to feel like we’re behind the wheel.
Why do some of us find ourselves going from zero to sixty, escalating encounters with our children in power struggles, resorting to yelling, threatening, and saying things we wouldn’t even dream of in our sanest moments? Because… (drum roll) our children stimulate us like no one else can.
What can we do? The most important piece to regaining your center is acknowledging that you have lost it. Once you’ve lost your balance, STOP before you do or say anything you regret. Too often, we breed in a hurry. When we rush, we often speak or act impulsively, disregarding inner wisdom that usually requires us to sit still to listen.
When you slow down and discover the thought that triggers your reactivity, you can begin to take a step back from that thought to see if it is true. It could be: “My kids shouldn’t fight in the backseat of the car” or “My daughter should clean up herself.” Identifying the disturbing thought is the first step to calming down. I love Byron Katie’s “The Work” and use it as a tool to help people break free from stressful thoughts.
Looking at what Katie calls the change (how the opposite could be as true or even more true than the original thought that bothered him), he can find it, given that his kids have nothing better to do and that it’s mildly entertaining to watch. how you react, it’s more true that they should argue in the backseat of the car! Once you step back and see the situation more clearly and honestly, you can rethink how you’re handling it. (In the car scenario, once she accepts that their bickering is giving them something to do, she can address how to keep them entertained in healthier ways.) You’ll be well on your way to regaining your center and power back to enjoying your backseat mounted “teachers”!
More importantly, by focusing on yourself and your own reactions instead of trying to force your children to change so you can feel in control, you are modeling for them the truth that external events, including those of others. behavior–they do not have the power to determine whether we experience peace and joy. It is always within our reach, if we look in the right place.