Put secondary losses first
When my mother died suddenly, I experienced the first significant death in my life. Immediately, I began to grieve deeply, but a week later, like an on/off switch, I was forced to put my grieving for my mother on “hold.” After a difficult pregnancy, I gave birth to my first child early. He was born with Down syndrome and had special needs. I was feeling the loss of a healthy newborn. When my son, Chad, died in 1993 as a result of suicide, he was devastated, shocked, and in denial. However, my husband, Gary, and I were soon sidetracked by the emotional symptoms displayed by Chad’s fiancée, Jenny. Worries about possessions, financial obligations, instability, and “why” questions consumed our thoughts. Ten weeks later, Jenny also took her own life. Then, with our secondary losses/problems consuming less of our time, we begin to grieve.
Sometimes the secondary losses that follow the death of a significant loved one become so overwhelming and demanding that they take precedence and we are forced to put them first. Secondary losses often demand priority because they affect how we live our lives now. Our family, friends, and co-workers may misinterpret our reactions as “we’re not grieving properly,” but we’re just worried and have temporarily put our grief aside.
What are secondary losses? A secondary loss is another “crisis” that occurs simultaneously with or as a result/reaction to the death of a loved one. Most people experience one or more secondary losses during the grievance.
Some secondary losses are unavoidable when a loved one dies. We finally realize that our lives have suddenly been turned upside down. Our roles have changed; we are no longer the spouse or the parent. Our financial status may result in changing jobs, moving to a different house, or living a different lifestyle. Our company is gone. Our plan to grow old together or watch a child grow to adulthood results in a loss of dreams.
Marge held back tears as she described the debacle of her husband’s new business after he died suddenly. She didn’t know her computer system, nor could she interpret her paper reports. There were many outstanding bills. Her life insurance had been used to start her business. She had two young children to raise. She knew that she needed to get a job. Her husband’s family demanded the return of the “borrowed money”, but there was no money to repay. She felt angry, frustrated and totally powerless. Betty was angry that her husband had died suddenly when she thought his health problems were being controlled. She was sure that she was following her doctor’s instructions. She felt guilty that maybe she (they) missed something and she just wanted to know what had gone wrong. She couldn’t understand why God would let her husband die.
Peggy felt alone and abandoned. She was a single mother, and since her only daughter died at sixteen in a car accident, she no longer had the role of “mom.” She missed taking her daughter to school activities and shopping and lunch outings. Peggy’s co-workers and friends seemed distant, and her doctor warned her about rising blood pressure and diabetes symptoms that were spiraling out of control. She some days she thought: “What’s the use, nobody cares anyway?” Jake’s mother died while he was still living with her. Jake ran his small computer business out of his home and had no regular income. Now his uncle wanted to sell the house and Jake wasn’t sure how he would survive, where he would live or how he would manage his computer business. He felt insecure and shocked. He had imagined that his mother would always be there for him.
These are real stories from people who have attended our grievance groups (names changed to protect privacy). They were facing more than the death of their loved one; they were dealing with associated secondary losses.
Invisible secondary losses
In each of our story examples, individuals also experienced unseen secondary losses. Some losses are invisible to family, friends, and professionals who cannot see our pain or understand the other issues that affect how we grieve. Invisible losses are highly emotional issues and can be personally threatening. They can include financial instability, strained family relationships, challenges to our faith, feelings of helplessness, personal health problems, and a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Our anxiety and fear about “what now?” it is very high. And we may not feel comfortable talking about personal matters.
After Chad and Jenny died, I continued to struggle with numerous secondary losses. The biggest of them was knowing that she would never be a grandmother, my loss of dreams. The young men Chad “hanged out” with no longer frequented our kitchen or family room. In fact, some of his parents even avoided us. The Army National Guard came to pick up Chad’s military equipment, a source of joy and pride for Chad, and I felt a part of him was being “taken away.” I felt ashamed to face families in our church since Chad died as a result of suicide, considered taboo. I had just accepted a new job, and because I lacked focus, I was afraid of failing. In the first few months of tort, I was overwhelmed by secondary losses!
No one can dictate how you should grieve. No one can take the reality out of your secondary losses. There is no right or wrong way to manage secondary losses, nor is there a formula to make them disappear. They are a part of the “complaint”. I quickly learned that I couldn’t deal with all my feelings and emotions at the same time. To save my sanity and dignity, I tried to prioritize what I could control and what I could handle on any given day.
How to put secondary losses first and manage them
• Accept that most deaths cause secondary or associated losses. Accept that dealing with secondary losses is just as important as grieving the death of your loved one. Eventually, each will demand attention in her life and require resolution through grievance work.
• Give yourself permission to put your complaint “on hold” while you deal with immediate emotional feelings and life-changing plans. Secondary losses may delay the healing of your grievance, but they don’t have to stop it.
• Identify problems or concerns that have an immediate effect on your life situation. What will change now that your loved one has died? What decisions need to be made within the next thirty to sixty days?
• Brainstorm options and alternatives to your problems, even if they may be short-term. Making important decisions on the first complaints can be unexpected later on. Find a good listener who can help you talk through your concerns without offering unwanted advice or making critical statements.
• Create a support system of trusted friends you can trust. This may include a member of the clergy, a financial or legal advisor, or a trusted friend or family member. If you feel that you need help in resolving your emotional issues, you may want to consult a professional grievance counselor.
• Handle one issue at a time based on priority. It may require explaining your situation to creditors, talking with family, taking a “leave” from work, and changing your long-term plans.
• Engage in safe grief practices as you work through your secondary losses. Take some time to honor the life and death of your loved one. Visit the cemetery. Create positive memories and reap a positive attitude. Join a support group and mingle with others in similar situations. Taking the time to honor and remember, even in a limited way, will minimize the guilt you may have for putting your secondary losses first.
I saw Peggy about eighteen months after her daughter’s death. She seemed cheerful and her color bloomed on her cheeks. He had taken a new job, he met another single woman, without children, who also belonged to her gym and who liked to go to the theater and travel. Jake still lives in his mother’s house. His uncle helped him find a way to stay in the house, if only temporarily, until his inheritance was settled.
Marge asked her brother-in-law to help her review her husband’s business account and collect information that could lead to an accountant. She sold inventory to pay off some of the business debts. She found a job that is personally rewarding and provides some structure to her shattered life. Betty made an appointment with her husband’s doctor to discuss her medical history and her results. At the time of this writing, she is still dealing with her resentment over a misdiagnosis. She wants an apology and feels that it will help her move on.
Some secondary losses will resolve naturally over time; others will stay with you throughout your claim journey and become an integral part of your claim work. Secondary losses impact our quality of life and deserve our attention. When this happens, put secondary losses first. Don’t trust others to solve your problems for you. You are accepting how your life has changed. You are finding ways to cope with your loved one’s absence. The delayed complaint can be reviewed and honored at any time. Allow your feelings to settle, and then take time to grieve.
Managing secondary losses first can result in a time of growth, new beginnings, exploration, and discovery.