Recovering From Divorce And Early Dating: When Is It Ok To Start Dating Again?
There is a lot of heat, but very little light generated by asking when we should resume appointments. Some say wait a year. Some say as soon as possible to get over the divorce. Some say not date if the divorce is not final. Some say to do so if the marriage is over, regardless of whether the judge signed the papers. Many religions say not to date until after the divorce is final. Everyone has an opinion. No one has a one-size-fits-all answer.
Advance dating: what is it and is it a good thing?
Early dating can be a very powerful part of your recovery from divorce.
Early dating happens when you start dating again before or shortly after the divorce is legally final. Early dates are marked by large amounts of “baggage” and attachments to your ex and the life you shared that have yet to be dissolved or eliminated.
Whether it’s “good” or “bad” depends on what you want dating to accomplish for you. Generally speaking, if you want to go on a date to enjoy the freedom you’ve just found from being attached to your ex, it can be very nice. If, on the other hand, you want to start dating someone to trigger a response from your ex or to placate your friends and family, it will end badly.
Some say that you should wait until your marriage is over. Sounds good, but what does it really mean for a marriage to “end”?
When exactly It is a marriage ended?
Any marriage that ends actually ends long before it formally ends.
A marriage ends the moment one of the spouses looks in the mirror feeling calm, sober, rested, and introspective and privately declares, “I can’t do this anymore. I have to go out.” This happens long before any judge officially declares a marriage ended by signing the divorce papers.
It also sets the clock ticking for one to make the decision to start dating again. At the back of everyone’s mind is the question, “How can I be sure this is a good idea right now?”
One says “Get out.” Another says “Don’t date.” Can you please make up your mind?
Don’t count on your friends and family to be of much help.
When seeking advice, you should speak to people you can trust. The obvious choices are your friends and family. You assume that they will look out for your best interests. But do they do it? Can they? Probably not.
Friends and relatives are only human. By necessity, they filter their advice through their own experience, hopes, fears, and belief systems. The result? A jumble of conflicting advice that reflects your fears and fantasies. them would have if they were in your situation. In a word, it is useless.
Bottom line: don’t pay much attention to what other people advise you to do. His advice, well-intentioned as it is, is a statement of its agenda for you. Invariably, their schedule is different from yours.
Your job is to clarify what your The schedule and expectations are and don’t sabotage them by trying to move the relationship development process forward too quickly.
Three early dating rules to live by
Early dates don’t exist without some potential problems, especially impatience.
The 12 to 18 months before and after the divorce is final are sacred! Treat them like a gift from the relationship gods. The goal of this transition time is to restore balance, personal power, perspective, self-esteem, and stability in your life.
The important thing is not what you dobut what about you whose do. Three “rules” will help make your early dating experience a success.
Rule # 1: slow things Waaaaaay Down: During the first 6 months of dating, restrict what you plan and talk to your partner about to no more than 7 days in the future. For the next 6 months, limit what you plan and talk with your partner to no more than 30 days in the future.
Now is not the time to imagine living “happily ever after” with somebody. That it is the time to reconnect with yourself and enjoy your new freedom.
Rule # 2: DO NOT sign anything for 12 to 18 months: Do not sign any legal or financial documents with your partner for at least 18 months. No marriage licenses, no car titles, no loan applications, no mortgages, no joint checking accounts, NOTHING! You will have the rest of your life for that after the impact and readjustments in your life after the divorce have worn off. Just don’t do it in the first 18 months after your divorce is final.
Rule # 3: Don’t get pregnant yet: Do not get pregnant or make your partner pregnant. Just don’t do it. Now is not the time to start a new family. Have a child no miraculously give meaning to your life after divorce. That Will It seriously destroys your efforts to restore balance, personal power, perspective, self-esteem, and stability in your life.
So what is the point?
This is never a good time to start dating for bad reasons.
Asking “When should I start dating again?” is the wrong question. The most helpful question is, “Why do I want to start dating again?”
Are you stepping out to enjoy your newfound freedom from the attachments of being in a relationship, or are you nurturing and strengthening your attachments to the past?
Early dating allows you to start the transition from being married and married to being separated and single, NOT getting back together and getting married. The early dates are no a vehicle to find your next committed relationship.
(Now, a word from your attorney: The last question to ask before you start dating again is whether your attorney believes that dating at this point will compromise your divorce case. Obviously, if you will then respect your attorney’s advice. and will wait until it is safe to do so.)
This is the time of your life to enjoy having “broken the bitter ties of an unhappy marriage.” Use it to enjoy the first step in your life after divorce.