rekindle an old flame
Dr. Nancy Kalish, professor of psychology at California State University,
Sacramento, is the only investigator of couples who reunited with ex-boyfriends.
Her book, Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romances, 1997,
it is based on his first four years of research (now 11 years). Answers to the questionnaire
More than 1,001 participants, ages 18 to 89, in all 50 states, and 35
countries. In addition, the book contains the lost love stories of the couples in their
own words.
These first participants found their lost lovers without the Internet, which in
1993 was non-existent as we know it today. Since the publication of her book, she
has surveyed, met, emailed, and spoken to over 2,500 lost love participants.
The findings indicated that even before the World Wide Web, it was common
for people to reunite with lost loves from their past. Now of course it’s even more
common, with websites like Reunion.com (Kalish is your relationship expert)
and people search engines like yahoo.com.
This is not a baby boomer or senior citizen phenomenon. People of all ages
revive romances, as a more ordinary way of finding love. In fact, half of the
participants were under 35 years of age.
But people don’t reunite with any lost love from the past; most
participants, regardless of their ages, returned with someone they loved when they
they were 17 years old or younger. These are the romances that parents often dismiss, calling
they pup loves. But these were the same loves that my participants took more
seriously with the passage of time, the loves that missed the most.
Parents not only looked down on these young romances, but many played an important role
to put an end to these romances. When I asked the participants why their initial romances
separated, the reason cited by the largest group of respondents was: “Parents
Disapproved.” Years later, when the couple reunited, they still resented that past.
intrusive from parents. Many parents went to extremes to separate the young couple.
from hiding letters to imprisoning the young. Couples who happily meet again
adults regret more if their childbearing days are over and they can never have
children together.
Other typical reasons for initial breakups include “We were too young,”
“He moved away,” “He left to join the military,” and “He went off to college.” but only one
very few couples checked the “We didn’t get along” box. these were not
neurotic couples who try and try again and come back for another round of emotional exchange.
cannonade. People don’t change much when it comes to personality, so a meeting
with an abuser would be a bad choice. The reasons why the romances broke up years ago.
back they were situational, so years later, during the second romance, the original
the roadblocks were gone.
Journalists often assume that most rekindled couples meet again at school.
meetings. This turned out to be a false assumption. Very few couples waited until
the year of the school reunion to reconnect. The two most common ways in which
assembled were writing a letter or an email to the lost love, or placing a
phone call. They had no trouble finding the other person in most cases, so
turns out to be just another myth that people needed to use a detective agency.
Only 4 people out of 1,001 used a detective. Most people leave a trail when
move: relatives who stayed in the old hometown, mutual friends who know the
current address, or an alumni association of the school that is willing to send a letter to
the new address Or now, the Internet.
People don’t usually go looking for lost love unless they are happy and
safe within themselves. These are not desperate, lonely individuals who are
they are afraid of forming new bonds, so instead they take the easy route and find again
and old love Quite the opposite. People search when it feels right, and that
makes sense. Would you go to a school reunion and let your old friends see you, if
were you unemployed or depressed? No, we all want to do our best, —
especially if we want to recover someone who left us.
Usually, it is the person who was initially abandoned by the other, the “abandoned”, who
does the search.
Perhaps the most surprising finding of all is that the second time around, these
Romances are very successful, as long as both people are single, divorced, or
widower. 72% of couples reported that they were still together at the time they got married.
filled out the questionnaire. And if the partners had been first loves, they were
successful 78% of the time. Participants often describe their romances as
“comfortable” and “familiar”, but these words do not indicate a boring attachment.
Most couples reported that this experience of love lost and found was the most
affective and sexual romance in all their love history.
They are “soul mates,” the couples said, and many believe that a “Superior
Power” has brought them back together. Due to this, they believe that
never be apart again. This is not a fantasy. It is a love that was interrupted.
But there is a decidedly harmful and unexpected consequence of seeking
For Lost Loves Online: Marriages That Likely Would Have Survived Have Fallen Down
when a lost lover came on the scene. Kalish’s research from 1993-1996 indicated a
extramarital rate between these couples of 30%. Currently, the extramarital rate of
couples contacting Kalish is 82%, and most of these people have
they met on the internet.
These people did not expect the reappearance of a lost lover to bring such
bang. They thought they could just catch up with the old days, get “closure” or even
lunch with this old friend. Participants in Kalish’s lost love report that they were
blind; they did not expect his feelings to return, with a vengeance, from
their past They did not understand the risks of their marriages. knowing the
possibilities in advance will help people make more informed decisions.
Any medium can be misused, and technology is not to be blamed for these
marital problems, says Kalish. For single, divorced or widowed people,
Rekindled romances are a fantastic way to find your soul mate. if someone is
married, he or she should not search for lost love.
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