Seven tips on how to deal with jealousy

1. Jealousy is rooted in insecurity. Jealousy and anxieties surrounding abandonment and failure go hand in hand. Usually when we feel jealous, it’s because we don’t feel like we’re as good as someone else, so we’re replaceable. The less secure we feel in a relationship, the more prone we are to jealousy.

2. Jealousy is rooted in distortions. 99% of the time what we are jealous of is based on something we create rather than actual reality. “They are prettier than me, so they are happier” or “They are more successful than me, so they are better at what they do” are beliefs that are not based on reality. The fact is that there are many angles to a person and their situation. It takes a long relationship with a person to understand their whole story. A strength does not mean that someone’s entire life/career/relationship is better than yours.

3. Jealousy is a form of idealization. Most of the time when we are jealous of someone, we are idealizing them. Acknowledging our idealization and bringing human qualities back to the person can help us deal with our insecurities. Nobody is perfect, by nature being human means that there are struggles.

4. Understanding your sibling dynamics can help you control your jealousy. While having a sibling can be great, research shows that it’s also hard. When someone has a brother, they also have someone to compare themselves to. Jealousy is a natural part of a sibling relationship, as both people compete for their parents’ attention and affection. Understanding what your brother triggers in you will help you understand what you are most vulnerable to.

5. Accept your restrictions. As Americans, it is very difficult to accept that we have limitations. However, by doing so, you can spare yourself agonizing moments of being jealous. You cannot do, be, or become everything. You have limitations, and that’s okay.

6. Go out of your way to be who you are instead of who you think you “should” be. If the “should” is difficult to remove, seek professional help. The sooner you do it, the safer you will feel.

7. Stop leveling the playing field. Many people desperately try to maintain equality in their relationships. They get discouraged when they notice that they have a strength that someone else lacks or they are harder on themselves when someone else is better at something. Try to be more okay with times when things feel lopsided.

Jealousy is very painful because it is often related to the shame we feel for ourselves. However, by admitting you have it and being aware of it, you can feel more in control.