The annoying quirks of your partner

“And that’s when I shot him, Your Honor,” my husband says when he is upset with me, or has it with one of the many peculiarities that I have that drive him crazy. That joke never fails to make us laugh and blur the situation.

Why does the person you love the most make you so nervous? It is not that men are from Mars or women are from Venus; it’s more like we all grew up on different planets, and when planets collide, watch out! It seems logical that likes attract likes, but in my private counseling practice, it is obvious that people are often attracted to their opposites. In a new relationship, it is adorable and exciting. It’s not until partners feel comfortable and more relaxed with each other that all those exciting new quirks become old and irritating. Familiarity makes those endearing little noises, expressions, habits, and quirks stand out like thorns on a cactus.

No matter how much you love each other, you are likely to get irritated by these annoying parts. But there are good news. You can avoid the irritating quirks of the people you live with, are friends with, or deal with at work.

We all like to imagine that life would be calmer and that the relationship would be ideal if your frustrating partner changed. But, people who have to be separated for a period of time are often surprised to find that they miss the little quirks in their loved one’s personality.

Oddities are part of who your partner is and part of why you fell in love. The fantasy that the two of you would be happier if you were more alike seems charming, but too much similarity gets boring. On the other hand, if there is not a certain degree of similarity between you and your partner, the relationship will be too stressful. The excitement and challenge of your relationship come from your differences, the security and ease of your relationship come from your similarities. Those blank quirks are part of the excitement and sustained interest between you.

Because we are all different from each other, with different backgrounds, experience, and early training, we all have little quirks, personality traits, or habits that need to be adapted, in one way or another, if we are to have a sustainable relationship. These quirks (a nerve-racking laugh, differences in clutter or neatness, irritating jokes or stories, incompatible work schedules, and different ideas about TV shows or music, housework, your partner biting their nails or smoking, what and when to feed the dog). , how politely to speak to your kids, or how warm the room should be) when put up for months and years, it can seem like reason enough to get divorced or even mess up. Many of these things may seem “silly” and so insignificant that you are ashamed to be so unhappy about them, but if you and your partner cannot negotiate and resolve your frustration, small irritations can create enough resentment over time to turn into serious problems. .

Guidelines: Dealing With Your Partner’s Personality Quirks

When such minor irritations occur, there are four things you can do.

1. Sometimes your partner’s quirks – like being messy, picking teeth, not putting lids on jars tightly, watching too much TV, or singing out of tune – are small enough to be easily dismissed when deciding on the ” Your partner’s complete package “more than makes up for those pesky little habits.” If you can do this without resentment, your partner’s quirks will no longer be a problem, although occasionally you may need to remind yourself of the benefits of being together.

2. You can also voluntarily modify your own behavior (going to the bathroom, pulling teeth, screwing caps on tightly) to reduce discomfort to your partner.

3. You can minimize (by leaving the room or being distracted by a project) the impact of your partner’s habits on you.

4. If the previous three steps don’t work, and you feel irritated and resentful about a quirk or habit, you and your partner can discuss the problem objectively, without blame or defense, to create solutions that satisfy both of you.

Using these guidelines will help you create new ways of being partners for life without upsetting each other; and develop new options to deal with irritations when they arise.

Quirks are also troublesome outside of your main relationship. There are people in your life who are easy to be close to and others who are more difficult for you. It’s not that they’re bad people, others get along with them, and with a little thought, you can too. Maybe you need to work a little more to understand what they mean, not to take what they say wrong, or have a little more patience with them, because their personalities or styles are quite different from yours. It’s worth the work, because your differences will stretch you both a little and enrich my life and my understanding in a way that other similar people don’t. Challenging relationships can be the most rewarding when you understand that they have a purpose.

© 2017 Tina B. Tessina

adapted from: Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences (Kindle and paperback) https://tinyurl.com/ycsxu4uo