The heartbreak of loving a commitment phobic
As a psychologist, I get referrals to help people with all kinds of phobias. However, I have never, in all my years of practice, received a referral from someone suffering from ‘commitment phobia’; however, this problem seems to have reached epidemic proportions and is causing untold headaches for so many people.
Sharon and John have been together for six years. Sharon wants to get married, John doesn’t. Every time Sharon brings up the subject, John accuses her of pestering. He refuses to talk about it, except to rationalize her position and tell Sharon that she is being too “needy” and demanding.
Sharon is confused and frustrated by the mixed messages she is receiving from John. For one thing, John is always telling Sharon how much he loves her. He assures her that they will always be together and tells her how devastated she would be if they were ever separated from her. On the other hand, John refuses to take their relationship one step further. Likewise, John seems to prioritize his time at work and his time in social activities over his time with Sharon. She seems to constantly be in third place in John’s priorities and if she doesn’t arrange her schedule to fit John’s schedule, she probably won’t spend much time together.
Do you have friends in this situation? Have you been there or are you possibly in a relationship right now with a ‘commitment phobic’? If so, you know the pain it brings. The relationship is everything you ever wanted or dreamed of. You cannot imagine life without this person. Your partner is lovingly and emotionally open with you, but just when the two of you feel closer to each other, or when you start talking about living together or getting married, your partner finds a way to create distance between you two. and you feel the pain and anguish again.
Commitment phobia: a modern danger
You read about ‘commitment phobia’ in the agony-aunt columns of newspapers and magazines all the time. Wherever you go, you’re bound to overhear at least one conversation about someone being afraid of commitment. You probably have at least one friend who laments being in a relationship with a ‘commitment phobe’ and who tells you that he has tried everything to try and change his partner’s mind and oh, what should they do?
We seem to live in a time where so many people fall in love, only to find themselves frustrated, angry and heartbroken when they realize they are in a relationship with a ‘commitment phobic’.
Commitment phobia is not a gender issue
The popular stereotype you’re led to believe is that men have a corner of the ‘commitment phobic’ market. It’s all part of the idea that men and women are from different planets and therefore suffer different afflictions: women want commitment and men don’t. That’s certainly not my experience. In my clinical practice, in the couples I coach, in my conversations with friends and people I know, it’s clear that women suffer from ‘commitment phobia’ too. And men are just as devastated when they end up with a non-committal partner.
One of the men I met, at the gym I used to belong to, came up to me one day and asked if we could talk when I finished my workout. We had talked several times before and he knew that I worked as a psychologist and a trainer and he wanted to reflect on something he was struggling with.
We met for coffee after our workout and he proceeded to tell me about this absolutely amazing woman he had met about four months earlier (how can that be a problem I thought). He described this fantastic relationship they had, how they ‘connected’ and how he believed she had finally found her ‘soul mate’. The only problem was that as soon as he showed signs of taking the relationship further, she seemed to distance herself from her (now I get it!). Gregg, afraid of losing this woman, was becoming increasingly desperate to figure out how to change her mind. He shared with me all the things he had tried to do and say to convince her to take the relationship beyond her. He felt that he was losing control and said that he felt that he was going crazy. What should he do?
Mixed messages: come in, go away
What distinguishes a ‘commitment phobic’ is their extreme desire for love and intimacy and their extreme fear of it. While most people struggle at times between wanting to be close and their fear of closeness, the ‘commitment phobic’ has an intense and extreme desire for closeness and its intense and extreme fear. They constantly give mixed messages: “Come closer…go away.”
The two messages you get from a ‘commitment phobic’ are: “I really want and need all this closeness, but don’t tie me down. I love you dearly, but I also need to be around other people. I want and need you.” to love me, but let me go. I desperately want and need to be with you, and I desperately want and need my space. They get on the push-pull dance floor and you end up feeling confused, angry, frustrated. And you wonder if you’re going crazy.
Be careful, don’t get into one to begin with!
If you know you want to be in a committed relationship, disaster is in store if you end up in a commitment phobic relationship. In my next book, you will understand the devastating emotional impact of being in a relationship with someone who does the ‘push and pull’ dance with you.
If you want to be in a committed relationship, the best advice is not to get into a relationship with a ‘commitment phobic’ to begin with. It is always best to prevent than to cure! There are two simple but important steps you need to take to avoid falling into the painful situation of being commitment phobic.
The first step is to be very, very clear about what type of person you want to be with and to be absolutely clear about the type of relationship you want and to make sure that you know what your priorities are.
The second step is to know and be able to identify the signs of a commitment phobia early on, before you fall into the painful situation of realizing, too late, that you are with one.
In my next book, I’ll share with you how to get real clarity about the kind of relationship you want, and how to know what kind of person you really want to be with. You’ll learn how to identify the estrangement cues of a ‘commitment phobic’ and how to avoid it and I’ll also share with you the difference between real intimacy and pseudo-intimacy.
It’s too late… What do I do now?
Love is blind. When we first meet that special someone, we tend to deny and not see what we don’t want to see, or hope that those undesirable traits, which we do see, will somehow magically disappear over time. And it’s easy to fall into a ‘commitment phobic’. They tend to be open, loving, and comfortable with self-disclosure. They seem to be good at intimacy. They crave a deep connection, they want to love and be loved.
However, what do you do when you realize, too late, that you are with someone who is “commitment phobic”? Let me share with you what you absolutely should never do:
Never, ever try to change the ‘commitment phobic’! It just won’t work.
Once you read my next book, you’ll understand the three main strategies the ‘commitment phobic’ uses when trying to convince or change you. You will also understand that in your effort to change them, you end up pushing them further into their ‘phobia’.
Do you want to keep putting your plans and dreams on hold to accommodate your partner’s commitment phobia? Do you want to have to keep avoiding bringing it up, for fear that your partner will leave you? Do you want to be in a relationship that leaves you angry, frustrated and powerless?
At the end of the day, you only have two options: stay or go. Any choice will be painful. However, it is a matter of short term pain versus long term pain.
The decision is yours, only you can make it.