Top 10 reasons not to kill your husband

Sometimes your spouse can drive you up the wall. In fact, if your husband is anything like mine, you get parked next to the trim at least twice a day. In brutal moments of psychotic insanity, you might even try to find ways to convince him to tie blocks at his feet and jump into the river. DO NOT DO IT! No matter how good an idea it may seem when you’re collapsing in fits of hysterics and stress, murdering your husband is never a good idea. In fact, here are ten reasons why it’s such a rotten plan.

10. The insurance company won’t pay if you kill him, so you’ll end up having to work two jobs to pay your rent.

9. If you think he never helps with the housework now, wait until he’s buried. Odds are good you’ll never fold clothes at that point.

8. Kids might drive you crazy right now, but imagine how much crazier you’ll get without their dad to wind them up, supposedly burning off all the energy, right before bed.

7. Neon orange bodysuits make your complexion look unsightly. There is no way around that.

6. And if you think your husband is hogging the hot water now, wait until you have to shower with ten or fifteen other prisoners at the same time.

5. Lawyer fees are even more expensive than golf and boating expenses. That’s why lawyers like to play golf and go boating.

4. If you try and fail and manage to reconcile, and then a one-armed man chases your husband, chances are the police will blame you and make you yell, “It wasn’t me! It was the one-armed man.” “. !” They’ll think you’ve seen too many movies and ignore your alibi.

3. Not to mention the fact that assassination attempts generally make him less likely to reconcile his differences. Counseling is probably less complicated.

2. Then there’s all the stress of finding an alibi. Even though as a wife you feel like you’re always doing two, or ten, things at once, chances are you can’t commit murder AND do your hair at the same time.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON NOT TO KILL HER HUSBAND:

1. Come on, you know you love it. Sure, he can be an annoying nuisance at times, but you married him for a reason. You probably get under his skin just as often. Resolve and save yourself the stress of trying to plan a funeral from jail.