What Parents of Teens Need to Know
The words we speak have power, and sadly, they cannot be taken back!
Think for a moment! Do the negative words they said to you in your formative years continue to resonate in your mind today, affecting the way you live and behave? Research has shown that even the words spoken while in our mother’s womb are inexplicably embedded in our minds, setting us up for continued rejection or acceptance throughout our lives. As adults, we are the sum total of everything we have heard and experienced since conception.
The words we say are like the seeds of a flower that are planted in the soft, warm soil of spring; they wait for the moment to germinate. Given the right environmental conditions, we anticipate the growth of a beautiful variety of summer flowers. So are the words we speak to our children; finally they produce in their tender hearts fruits of one kind or another depending on whether they are positive or negative.
A heart is like a field of fertile soil waiting in anticipation for seeds of affirmation to be planted that will sprout in a useful and productive life. And if we speak words of love and affirmation in the fertile soil of a child’s heart, they will grow up healthy and happy.
I compare a newborn baby to a closed rose, bringing a life of pleasant fragrance and lasting beauty to the world. As the baby grows into a curious child, it is his nature to trust the parents, opening like a rose in anticipation of the love he needs. However, when love and affirmation do not come, the child’s soul will be wounded and, like a young rose, it will close prematurely in an act of preservation. Children are resilient and will continue to seek what they desperately want: love and affection. As they are eager to recover, they will begin to trust their parents again, but if the continuing series of dysfunctional behavior continues, they will feel the sting of rejection again. Finally, after many attempts to reach loving arms have been rejected, this child like a rose closes; and unless this pain is healed somewhere along the line, the child will retreat into a closed shell. Sadly, the world will never enjoy the unique fragrance of this perfectly formed “rose” because emotions were too often crushed by dysfunctional parents.
Do any of the comments above bring back memories of your own childhood trauma, or memories of how you may not have adequately met your child’s needs yourself? Cheer up, because all is not lost. There are those who have experienced the joy of restoration and, yes, I have experienced it too. If your child has developed hurt emotions from the damage caused by a negative home atmosphere, it will take some fine tuning, if not a major redesign, to begin the healing process. Start by changing some of your thoughts, beliefs, actions, and words that affect your children. Then be ready to listen carefully, apologize quickly, be ready to forgive, and love unconditionally.
Raising teens in a fast-paced world can be challenging. Children of all ages don’t need “stuff” as much as they need our time and affection. Research shows that the average mother only spends three minutes a day actually communicating with her child. The average dad? Forty-nine seconds, according to Martin Brokenleg, a professor of Native American studies at Augusta University in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
You may be wondering, “What can I do now that my child is in the turbulent teenage years and emotionally moving out of the family home?” First, listen to them without judgment. Sometimes you overlook their outbursts and let them vent, as long as the profanity is a no no. This is the time when they will emotionally distance themselves from you, but this is not a negative thing. Just think this doesn’t happen, they may still be living with you when they are thirty!
Finally, I encourage you to give up on the fast lane and give your teenager some of your unconditional love and attention instead.