Better intimacy, better sex
As a counselor, I see many clients who are concerned about intimacy and sex. Romance books are a beautiful escape from reality and can help reduce the stress of daily frustrations. And you can even learn some tricks to improve your relationship. The danger arises if you start to believe in fantasy, compare your real life partner with a fictional character and feel dissatisfied and dissatisfied. One of the attractive things about romantic heroes is that they do all the work, but in a real life relationship with a real man, you probably have to get going and let him know what you want.
Our culture is saturated with unrealistic representations of love, relationships, and family. From celebrity debacles to overblown movie romances to wildly exaggerated representations and expectations about beauty, romance, and sex, the media bombards us with images and ideas that are the exact opposite of what works in marriage. Look around you at the “beautiful people”: how long are their marriages, and how happy do they really seem?
When people’s expectations of what marriage entails are exaggerated, they feel disappointed and discouraged. Successfully married couples have a more realistic idea that the marriage will not be ideal, and partnership and love for each other are things you have to work on, build over several years. If you love and care for each other, you have a better chance of success in your relationship.
Most couples who come to my counseling practice for relationship problems report that their marriage lost romance a long time ago. It’s easy to feel romantic when you live apart and hang out together, because every moment you spend together is special. From the moment you start living together, those romantic moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of their time together is spent on more mundane things: doing laundry, doing the dishes, paying the bills, or going to work. Although this may be new, exciting, and fun at first, as soon as the initial novelty of living together wears off, everyday things stop feeling exciting and romantic, and you may feel worried that your partner isn’t caring as much anymore or is so excited to be with you.
creating intimacy
Pleasant sex is an important part of married life, helping to create a strong bond which is the most reliable way to safeguard your connection. Fights happen more often in marriages where intimacy and bonding don’t work. Intimacy is the art of making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created, the barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact, a gentle sense of humor, and the right words set the mood. Commenting positively on your partner’s appearance or the day’s activities will also help. To reconnect, make sure you listen to each other and understand your partner’s needs and wants. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is to build a partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, wanted, and needed. If you really want to restore your marriage, start not by complaining about your needs not being met, but by focusing on your spouse’s needs. Once your good connection is restored, you can start troubleshooting.
Here are some ways to regain privacy:
Guidelines to increase intimacy
• Make recreation, play and fun a priority. Put more energy into making your partner laugh, and you’ll find that a playful approach will motivate both you and your spouse to want to be close. Pleasure, humor, leisure activities, and silliness are ways we recharge, renew our energy, restore our hope and positive outlook, and connect with each other. Don’t let too much of your time be taken up by TV, email, computer games, or other unimportant people.
• Don’t let your expectations get out of line. Fun and intimacy don’t depend on spending money or going to extremes; they don’t depend on a particular environment or activity, and they don’t have to take a lot of time. Enjoying is an internal process. They can be sitting nearby and talking about interesting or pleasant things, working together in their garden, playing with the children or the dog, or putting together a puzzle. Singing, dancing, playing a sport or a board game may be what you need to feel close. Through play, we reconnect with our hearts, with our childhood selves, and with the spontaneous, intuitive responses that lead to sexual connections.
Yes, you can create intimacy on special occasions, something that requires a bit of advance planning; But when you look back on your most intimate experiences, they are more likely to have been spontaneous and simple rather than elaborate and expensive.
• Don’t focus unrealistically on appearances. Growing old together means that we will eventually show our age. Focus on how you feel about your partner, not on baldness, weight problems, or lack of ability to perform. You can happily have sex with each other until your dotage, if you learn to accept the changes that come with age. They may not be beautiful people anymore, but you can have a lot more love, sex, and fun than they do if you’re comfortable with their inevitable changes. Don’t let our youth-obsessed culture rob you of the pleasures you can still have.
• Develop “signals” that work. A special light in the bedroom (when it’s on, at least one of you is interested in it), bring home flowers, dress up, some certain touch or phrase.
• Take care that your desire for intimacy is always a request and not a demand; the difference is that a request can accept “no” for an answer. A demand is oppressive; a request is complementary. Lawsuits separate you; requests invite the other person to come closer.
• Once you’ve established some transitions that work, try some surprises. A surprise means you haven’t consulted, so with all surprises, give your partner time to respond, and be prepared to change the details if necessary. You could shower, perfume and dress in something you know your partner will like when he gets home from work and make your move. Observe your partner’s response and be prepared to back off if you’ve chosen the wrong time. Your sense of humor works well here. When they work well, surprises can add some excitement and energy to your sexual relationship; but only if done infrequently.
• Make reservations at a romantic place and give them to your lover inside a sexy or romantic card during a quiet dinner. Since it’s a surprise, build some flexibility into the plan and make sure the plans feel good for your partner, not just you. That is, if you like to play golf and you want romance, choose a romantic place with a nearby golf course. If she likes the sea and you like watching sports on TV, choose a hotel by the sea with a sports bar. During the getaway, share activities as much as possible.
• Sex is a physical form of communication and, like any other communication, it takes time. Give yourself some transition time before turning sexual. Don’t expect to be able to jump into bed and “do it.” Allow time for quiet conversation, sensual contact, etc. A “quickie” can be a lot of fun, but the fun is gone if it becomes your only option.
• For most of us (especially most women), “romance” is important to some degree to foster a sexual mood. The relaxed waiting produced by the right music, dim lights and sweet words create an ideal atmosphere for intimacy, which leads to verbal and physical affection. Keep in mind that what feels romantic or sexy is different for men and women, so include hints that work for both of you. Many couples find that watching erotic or romantic movies helps set the mood.
• Privacy is only possible when there is also enough personal space. Leave some distance, regularly. “How am I going to miss you if you don’t leave?” is a humorous way of saying it. They need some separate activities, friends, and interests to keep their desire for each other fresh. It’s great for your relationship when you have something interesting to tell your spouse when you return home.
• When you’re married and living together, it’s all too easy to pass up romance. Don’t forget to bring home flowers, send cards, create or buy fun little gifts for others. Write poetry, silly notes, or songs, cut out a cartoon from a magazine, or just talk about the positive things you feel. Take a few more minutes to set a scene when you’re spending quiet time together, set the table a little better when you’re home alone for dinner. If you know your spouse finds any aspect of a movie sexy or romantic, follow suit: Bring your wife the same type of flowers or show up to the bedroom in a similar combination to what her husband admired on the lead actress. If the romantic couple in the movie take a long, romantic walk in the woods, try taking a walk together in a local park.
• Revisit the memories of your first days together. Visit places that mean something to you: the restaurant where you had your first date, the park where you met, the romantic hideaway where you camped. Play your favorite love songs; rent an old romantic movie and eat popcorn; do a crossword; go play golf; cook your favorite meals together. Reliving your first dates can rekindle early feelings.
Mutual trust creates romance
Culturally, women have more permission for romance than men, but it has been said many times that men are the true romantics. Many romantic poems, song lyrics, movies, and plays are written by men. Don’t worry about your “image”; be willing to risk feeling a little silly from time to time. It is a great tonic for your relationship. Men, the biggest reward for you is more and better sex. Woman, your reward is to feel loved and desired. You will both have a great time, and you will enjoy it.