Dealing with Teens the Easy Way – Competence and Confidence

I HAVE ALWAYS ESTABLISHED that living through the teen years can be a real nightmare in some ways. ‘No one understands me’ could sometimes be the cry of an average teenager. Juggling the inevitable rampant hormonal surge while having to make do and achieve in a world that demands a disciplined outcome; It’s a pretty big request, don’t you think? It’s no wonder so many teens struggle, fall, and fail in this context. Add to this the context of home. Most parents feel threatened by a teenager who ‘can’t respect them’. They don’t realize that when you struggle with your self-image and don’t love yourself, you’re even less likely to love others, especially parents. In this situation, the adolescent loves his parents but cannot prove it to them. It’s the perfect catch-22.

So how does a parent manage in this rather thankless situation? How do we not take things like disrespect, insults, and lack of consideration seriously? Well, it helps to keep a long-term view of things, like what it will be like five to ten years from now when they’ve matured and can finally watch why did you do it and, more importantly, why. His role as father is not about ‘being loved’ or ‘being respected’, it is more about ‘protecting’ them and keeping them from harm; it is a role of guidance, subtle training and facilitation. From this perspective, it is much easier to remain calm in the middle of a typhoon!

‘It’s not about you’ is the common cliché. But it is true; It’s not about you as a parent. You need to harness all of your experience and all of your powers to be strong for your teenage son or daughter, providing both limits and space for them to grow. It’s not easy and no one promised it would be. Isn’t it fascinating how his parents (the teen’s grandparents) vividly recall the trials of their time with teenagers? The youth of these days are really no different from how they have always been. The environment changes, but our human nature does not.

Being strong as a parent means, among other things:

• Being wise about how you behave in front of your children (after all, you are an important role model);
• Have a good support network of colleagues, family and friends with whom to inform;
• Implementing the right balance of limits and discipline, including doing the ‘hard’ when necessary;
• Being able to speak through issues with your teen without allowing emotions to ‘ruin’, a search for and negotiation of, where possible, win/win outcomes. Remember, you are the adult. You need to keep control of you emotions;
• Becoming more self-aware (being able to watch yourself in action and then respond appropriately with caution, “in the moment”);
• Being more aware and knowledgeable of “who” you are dealing with, including the empathy of being “in their place”; and,
• Being able to remain humble and being able to ask for forgiveness when necessary.

There are times when it is important to put your foot down. Knowing when and how to back off is key. Try to put your foot down when they They are in a good mood and talk. Your teen is much easier to approach, less defensive, and in the “grown-up” mindset when he’s happy. This requires a keen awareness of the moment and also the courage to ‘follow’ the mood. Time is very important.

What about the young people who always seem to be wrong? It’s a time in life where you take risks, let’s face it. And this does not take into account young people with very low self-confidence.

I find the easiest way to be patient and not judge a teenager is simply employing competency-based learning principles. Competency-based training employs the philosophy of competent/not yet competent. ‘Considers’ the ‘candidate’ (ie the trainee) ‘competent’ or ‘not yet competent’. This is inherently fair in the sense that they will never actually fail. They just get another turn to do things right that they find so hard or they just don’t have the skill yet. Let’s say it’s keeping a tidy room or doing homework. Or let’s say it’s a cell (mobile) phone; they pay a huge bill and demonstrate their inability to manage the use of it. They’re not competent yet, that’s all. It means having the patience not to blow your stack. It means giving them more opportunities to succeed and not being too afraid of failure, especially when they are trying. It is a way of leaving them little by little responsibilities; it is at your own pace; it’s ‘at your own pace’.

With this approach, you need to know when to give them more chances, so you don’t set them up to fail more. You also need to be in dialogue with your young son or daughter. Again, find a time when he is accessible and talk to him about it.

Being a parent is not an easy task, especially when you have a teenage child. No one promised an easy ride. But cheer up. You can and will succeed if you don’t give up and remain ‘teachable’. Be there for your children and one day you will be able to reflect on your success as you watch your children deal with their own children and go through the same kind of problems that you went through.

© 2008, Steven John Wickham. All rights reserved throughout the world.