Grief for multiple losses? Weave your own safety net

I needed support after my daughter and father-in-law died on the same weekend. I really needed support when my brother died eight weeks later and several months later my former son-in-law died. His death left my twin grandsons orphaned and, following the instructions of my daughter’s will, the court appointed my husband and me as his legal guardians.

Complaint resolution was, and still is, my goal. How could I reach it? Many complaint experts have written about the importance of support during the complaint process. When you have suffered multiple losses I think you need personalized support. With this idea in mind, I created my own support system or safety net. My net is made of strong ropes that can bear the weight, and every strand is important. You can weave your own safety net and include some of the same threads.

Family. “Mourners desperately need the support and assistance of others—your presence, nonjudgmental listening, compassion, and concern—to help them cope with their grievance,” according to Therese A. Rando, PhD, author of “How to Go On Living When Someone You love dies”. I am lucky to have a supportive family and members who have stepped up to help. My brother in law and sister in law were the most helpful. After my daughter’s death, they delivered food and flowers for the graveside ceremony, for example.

Friends. I have been a member of a health organization for 32 years. During these years I made friends for life. When I needed help, my friends gave it to me. A friend sent and continues to send funny emails. Even when he was crying, he knew he was thinking of me. Another group created a Caring Basket, dozens of gift certificates that the whole family could use. As my grandchildren redeemed the gift certificates, they felt more in control of lives that were out of control.

Faith. Church members provided ongoing emotional support. The Caring Committee offered to deliver food, but my husband and I declined. We could barely eat anything and we didn’t want the food to go to waste. A year and a half later, when my book on writing for recovery was published, the church supported me by publicizing it and asking me to speak.

Personal care. The National Association for Loss & Grief, Inc., in an article titled “Dealing with Sudden, Accidental, or Traumatic Death,” says that survivors should take care of themselves. “It is important to focus on the basic elements that the body needs to survive on a day-to-day basis,” the article states. These basics: routine, food, adequate rest, preparation of lists and exercise. While grieving multiple losses, I made it a point to prepare balanced, nutritious meals. Grief is exhausting work, so I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. every night. I also went back to my daily walking schedule.

Occupation. I never thought my occupation would be part of my safety net, but that’s what happened. Four losses in a row were overwhelming and I didn’t know how to deal with them. A week after my daughter’s death, I sat down at the computer and started writing about my experiences. I made a conscious decision to stop writing on the first anniversary of her death. The result is a book I never thought I would write. I’m proud of this book because it shows that I did something good with pain.

Education. Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, in her article, “Loss and Grief: Myths and Facts,” says that education is one way to dispel the myths of grievance. Education helps mourners and grievance experts understand normal responses to grievances. “People will also have a better understanding of what is part of a normal response to a complaint,” she adds Dyer. I researched complaints on the internet and found several reliable sites that I continue to visit. All my complaint writings are based on experience and research.

Validation. Kenneth J. Doka writes about validation in a chapter titled “Bereavement, Loss, and Caring,” posted on the American Hospice Foundation website. Validation is an essential part of complaint support, according to Doka. He defines validation as listening to and accepting the grieving person’s experience. “Too often, caregivers and patients are led to believe that natural expressions of grievance are inappropriate or unwelcome,” he writes. Could not be farther from the truth.

Advice. Because I have studied and written about grievances for years, I understood what was happening to me and my family. I also have good coping skills. However, a family member needed advice and we arranged it. We also clarified that additional advice was available. Six months of therapy changed this person’s perspective from despair to hope.

choice. The best decision I ever made was choosing life over death. Every day he told me two things. One, I will survive this terrible moment. Two, death will not win, life will win. These assurances helped me move on with life and plan for a new life. Bob Deites writes about this life in “Life After Loss.” If we expect to suffer, Diets says we probably will. But he goes on to say: “If we understand that the effective use of time will help us overcome complaints, we have a basis to start working and start the [recovery] process.” The thing has new life.

All of these threads—choice, counseling, validation, education, occupation, self-care, faith, friends, and family—are woven into my safety net. He has supported me for two years and is still going strong. Are you grieving multiple losses? Weave your own safety net. Get it right, and your personal safety net will sustain you—indeed, lift you up—for years to come.

Article and “Weave Your Own Safety Net” copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson