My estranged husband keeps coming back, but he doesn’t want to come home. Why?

When an estranged husband begins to visit, many wives are very encouraged. After all, many of us know wives whose estranged husbands rarely, if ever, call or keep in touch, let alone in person. Most of the time, we try to tell ourselves that starting a visit from him is hopefully the first step in making him want to come home full time.

So when this doesn’t happen, we can feel very frustrated and disappointed. And we can start to wonder if he is playing. You might hear a wife say, “I was delighted when my husband started to come home. I thought after a week or two of these visits, he would ask me if he could move back in. And I was ready to say yes. I didn’t he could wait to start over. Unfortunately this is not what happened. He is still coming home fine but at the end of the visit he will get in his car and drive off. I have not confronted him about this yet because I don’t want them to end visits. But now I’m starting to worry. What if he has no intention of coming home? Why would he continue to visit me (and even have sex with me from time to time) and stop wanting to come home?”

There are a couple of possible reasons I can think of, but of course this can only be speculation because only the husband can know what you are thinking. I will list a few possibilities below. And you can see if this sounds like a possibility for you.

It’s leaning towards going home. But he’s still not sure and wants to make sure he’s not moving too fast: Quite often, the spouse who did not want the separation in the first place is willing to accept their spouse, even if they have not resolved their issues. They’ll get it back any way they can get it. They are not necessarily thinking very far. They don’t wonder what will happen when I get home and all the problems come up again.

But that doesn’t mean your husband isn’t thinking about this. She may want to come home. But she’s holding back because he wants to set you up for long-term success. So with each visit, he is watching and evaluating how things are going. And frankly, she’d suspect that she’s thinking things are going well because she keeps coming back, wouldn’t she? If something discouraged him, then he could withdraw from visiting him.

Evaluating if your intentions are not honorable: I will admit that some wives in this situation worry that their husband is only coming home for sex or to boost his ego and has no real intention of coming home for a reconciliation. I understand the concern, but you have to be the one to assess this because I can’t see firsthand what’s going on and you know your husband better than anyone.

It makes sense to wonder if he just seems interested in sex and then quickly leaves. Or does he compromise and play it safe outside of it and sometimes not even go after it? In other words, does he seem more interested in connecting or interacting with you outside of physical contact? Do you call and get involved when it’s obvious there can’t be any contact at the time? If he’s calling to check on you without expecting anything in return and seems genuinely caring in addition to his visits, then this is telling.

But if sex worries you or makes you feel taken advantage of, then you can talk gently, making it clear that you don’t mention it because you want the visits to end. You just want the visits to be for the right reasons.

Most of the time, I feel it is very encouraging when an estranged spouse visits regularly and I always encourage people to continue to build on those visits. It’s important to make sure they work out so they keep repeating themselves and become the stepping stones to rebuilding and saving your marriage.