My husband’s affair gave him unrealistic expectations about relationships
It is normal to look at your spouse differently after finding out that they have cheated on you and had an affair. You may even come to believe that you have drastically changed (both in your personality and in your perspective). What you can’t wait is that your spouse really recognizes and celebrates this change.
An example of this is someone’s perspective on romantic love and infatuation. Often times, the cheating spouse will almost put the other person, and the relationship, on a pedestal, especially in the beginning. They do this for a few reasons, but the main one is that building the relationship makes it easier to justify and carry out. The infidelity relationship must be tremendously “special” or “rare” to justify taking such a great risk for it.
So yeah, cheating spouses can almost have an unrealistic crush on the relationship and on the other person. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always end completely once the adventure is over. You may meet a spouse who has a new perspective on relationships and love in general. For example, a wife might say, “Honestly, even when we were dating, I would never have called my husband romantic. Certainly, he could be sweet anytime he wanted. But my husband is a very practical person. He will buy gifts and show appreciation on occasion. But he believes that love is implicit between married people. Well, since he had an affair, he has totally changed in this regard. Of all my snoops, I know that I constantly bought the other woman gave me gifts and did nice things for her. And that really hurts and angers me. I also know that he was considerate in a way that hasn’t been with me in a long time. However, I’m 100% sure the affair is over. I’m sure I don’t have to worry more about her. Still, when I turn my attention back to my marriage, I realize that my husband still has his romantic idealism going on. He has started buying me gifts and trying to show his ‘appreciation’ for me. I know I should be grateful, but it bothers me a little. Where was all this consideration before? Does it take another woman and an affair to prove to my husband that I am worthy of his affection? It’s like a man who suddenly learned to fall in love with another woman and it really bothers me. I’m not saying I want to go back to my grumpy husband, the one who never showed any appreciation. But he’s acting like an old fool with stars in his eyes. Middle-aged people don’t need to focus on love like they did when they were 18 years old. Do not misunderstand. I want a happy marriage. But my husband is acting like a fool. How do I get him to stop this without insulting him? “
I understand your frustration. It might have been nice if he had shown a little more affection on his own, but now that this comes after the affair, it’s as if she has “awakened” something in him. And of course it’s understandable that you find it tacky and a bit insulting.
But the situation is complicated. If you want to save your marriage, you will eventually have to be the recipient of their affection. So it’s not like closing it completely is what you want. I think what you really want is both affection (eventually) and faith in their sincerity.
Right now, understandably, it’s hard to believe this newfound affection is completely sincere. You might suspect that since he can no longer have her, he is projecting his feelings towards her onto you. And that puts you on the defensive. And as if you want to push it away. It’s a cheat because once you push him away, you worry that he will cheat again.
I would suggest that you don’t go straight out and ask him blatantly or harshly to stop. But if necessary, you can hint that you may want to tone it down in the short term. The next time he goes overboard with falling in love behaviors, you could try something like, “Even though I’m flattered that you’re trying so hard, I have to be honest with you right now. Because I think we need honesty like never before. Sometimes, this is a bit overwhelming. It’s very different than how you were before and it’s happening right after the adventure, so it sometimes makes me question things, partly because it’s so dramatic. For the moment, can we tone it down? “Don’t get me wrong. I’m receptive to affection, but I don’t want us to feel like we have to try so hard.”
Hopefully you’ll take it the right way and tone it down. I would like to point out that many people have affairs as a way of coping with the idea of their own mortality. They are getting old and realizing that “you only live once.” The whole idea of infatuation and romantic love can be an extension of that. They may decide that this type of love is very important to them and they want to make sure they invite it into their life and enjoy it. Frankly, there is nothing wrong with that, as long as you do it within the confines of your marriage and you are both comfortable with it.